Internship Failz: Airborne Edition

Every so often, something or someone reminds me of a story that immediately rings the MIDDLE FLIPPER CONTENT alarm in my head.  It's like unearthing a rare fossil; as the years* pass, I start to forget some of the hilarious things I've said, done, or have happened to me in this amazing job.

But luckily, such a memory-jogging event occurred at work the other day.

One of our new interns and I chatted over a sinkful of buckets about what it was like to make mistakes as a new intern.  I reassured her that everyone does it, which bridged the final synapses in my brain to bring you The Story Of the Airborne Disaster.

I did my internship at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, which started on January 20th, 2005.  Why do I remember this?  Because it was four days after my 21st birthday in which I really let loose and ushered in my newfound drinking privileges with eating key lime pie for the first time and drinking glass after glass of….water.**

I know how to party.  Sober.  Yes, I'm serious.

To give myself some credit before I well, discredit myself, I did have the general notion of what a marine mammal internship would probably be like.  I knew I'd be cleaning a lot, and sorting fish, and of course I knew what I'd read on the sheet sent to me about what to expect in the internship.  I knew it was going to be a lot of hard work and and smells.

But I really had no clue how to distinguish myself, since this was My First Step Towards My Dream Job.  I wanted to Make An Impression.  Be careful what you wish for, right?

My first day, I put on the required clothing and showed up with a bellyful of butterflies at CMA.  Wait wait wait, let's backtrack.  What did I do after I put on my black quick-dry pants, tevas, and random crappy shirt?  Oh, I put on makeup.

Apologies to trainers/zookeepers everywhere who put on makeup for their job.  I'm sure yours is waterproof and expertly applied.  Well done!  This is not the experience I am describing for myself.  I've had spurts of makeup-wearing periods, especially around that time in my life.  But I didn't know what I was doing.  I had the cheapest stuff you could find because, uh, it was cheap.  Furthermore, I have never felt comfortable in makeup because it makes my eyelids feel heavy and I always feel like it's running down my face and making me look all heroin-addicty.

This is much later in my internship, sans makeup.

But how else was I supposed to look presentable and professional my first day on the job?  Certainly not by the way I dressed!  Makeup was the answer.

I was directed into the fish kitchen, which was crammed full of People Who Knew What They Were Doing.  And it was there that I realized I had made a huge mistake in wearing makeup.   In fact, one of the volunteers even commented on it, "Wow, you look awfully nice to be down here."  

Now that I remember this, I'm like dude, that's no big deal.  But at the time, I was convinced it meant my job as a dolphin trainer would never happen, because I'd already made myself look totally stupid in the first 23 minutes of my internship.

So that sets the stage.

My next few days were very stressful.  I didn't know what anyone was talking about (WTF is an SD? How can they really tell these otters apart? How can they keep track of food each day? Where the hell are the bathrooms?!), everyone was so focused and passionate that I felt like I'd be bothering them with really, really dumb questions to help me learn how to do different tasks, and I just felt like I wasn't cut out for the field.  I was defeated, disillusioned…and most of all, self-conscious. 

This ain't the place to get sick.

With the stress and cold weather, I found myself starting to get sick.

Oh NO, I thought! I can't be sick during my internship! I can't call out sick so early in a job!

That day, I did my duties feeling pretty crappy.  I still couldn't remember everyone's name, and was just yearning for the moment when I felt like I belonged there.  When lunchtime rolled around, I sat quietly at a desk in the marine mammal office.  One of the trainers asked me what was wrong, I told her I was fine, just felt like I was coming down with a cold.

"Have you heard of Airborne?" she asked.

"Yes, but I've never had it."

"Oh, I have some in my purse! Take it! I swear by it!"

"Thanks," I said. 

"It tastes like Orange Crush," she said.

Herbal cold-fighter, or harbinger of horror?

She handed me the tube of Airborne and went back to her conversation with the other trainers and volunteers in the office.  I was touched by the trainer's kindness, but my insecure mind made me feel embarrassed that I'd admitted I was getting sick (I showed a sign of weakness! Now I'll NEVER get a job!). My stress and impending illness may or may not have affected what transpired.

I thought I'd read the bottle carefully.  I thought it directed me to take one tablet with a glass of water.

I popped the top of the tube open, unleashing the characteristic citrusy smell.  I slid one tablet into my hand and peered around the office.  Everyone was engaged in conversation, so I could take my Airborne in peace.  Thinking back, I had unbelievably low self-esteem during that time.

I looked at the flat, orange wafer in my hand, hoping it didn't taste like well, every other chewable med out there (Chalk and some perverted version of "Flavor").  But I couldn't afford to get sick, I didn't want to be rude to the trainer who'd lent me her personal rhinovirus-fighting stash, so I bucked up and popped the tablet into my mouth.

Easy-to-chew tablets?

And then it exploded.

Foam, saliva, orange chalk flavor, filled up my mouth and burned my tongue as the effervescent tablet tried to figure out what the eff just happened.

Airborne Tablet: Where the hell am I?

My mouth: Uh, this is a mouth.

Airborne Tablet: What am I doing in here?!

My mouth: I don't know, Brain isn't thinking.

Meanwhile, I am more and more closely resembling a rabid dog as I struggled to maintain composure in a room full of people who could Make My Career Happen.  My tongue on fire, I tried to take a sip of water to flush the sensation away.  But as I tried to open my mouth, Airborne foam poured out of my face.  

My brain: You're gonna have to just deal with it! Ain't no way you're gonna spit this out and RUIN YOUR CHANCE AT YOUR DREAM JOB.  NO ONE WILL HIRE SOMEONE WITH RABIES!

I suffered in silence until trainer who had given me the pills turned around and saw me.

"What is going on?" she asked.

I couldn't answer because, well, my mouth was full of foam and I was 86% certain my tongue had burned away.

"Did you just put the Airborne in your mouth?" she asked.  At this point, everyone in the office stared at me.

I nodded, cheeks full.

Everyone laughed.  Not the meangirl laugh, it was a genuine, "Oh god this is hilarious" laugh.  It actually made me feel a little better.

"You're supposed to put it in a glass of water first! Like alka-seltzer!"

And then I started laughing, and drooled orange-flavored foam all over myself.  This action freed me to drink copious amounts of water, diluting the awful flavor and sensation burning my cheeks and tongue.

I looked at the Airborne container again.  Indeed, I had somehow misinterpreted the directions.  More importantly, I'd missed the word "effervescent". 

….and/or Airborne inappropriately.

  

At that point, the ice had been broken.  From that day forward, I felt more comfortable around my bosses and coworkers.  They'd seen the Real Me and thought it was hilarious.  I could be myself around them and be accepted, because they were all good people.  

And the best part? My immune system gave me a pity pass on the illness. 

My mouth: Hey, Immune System, give her a break.  She just put an Airborne directly into her mouth.

Immune System: What?! Didn't she read the directions?!

My mouth: Not thoroughly.  But she's under a lot of stress.  Cut her some slack on this cold she picked up.

Immune System: Sigh. Just this once.

Alas, I've seen many interns come and go in my career, and expect to see many more.  Half of those interns have an experience similar to mine (although I've never seen or heard of anyone eating Airborne directly, which makes me feel really unique).  And while they field feelings of embarrassment and self-consciousness, I can relate to them this story to tell them it's okay, it happens.  That perhaps it's more important how you react to the mistake, no matter how bizarre or bad, than the mistake itself.

"…so I was like, I didn't even realize I had to dissolve it first!"

Now I'm curious about you all, dear readers.  Share with me your stories of internship disaster!

________________

* Haha, yeah, more like "as the seconds pass, I can't remember where I put that bag of M&Ms, much less everything that's happened in the last eight or nine years."

** And I regret not a moment of my sobriety or nerdiness

The Holy Grail of the Animal Keeper and Trainer Profession

Being in the animal care profession is, for most of us, not a lucrative job.  

Maybe if you're some kind of fancy animal trainer who teaches animals to play roles in movies or commercials, you've got a bigger paycheck.  So really, this blog isn't for you.

I'm talking about the rest of us in the zoo world, raking poo, pressure-washing habitats, sorting fish, and training elephants for voluntary blood samples.   We make about $0 (after taxes).  Do we care?  Not really.  I mean, not unless our car is totaled, or a pet needs an expensive medical procedure, or we have no more money for donuts.   When that tragic stuff happens, we scrounge together enough pennies to see us through, but we live without cable TV, fancy homes and/or safe neighborhoods, big vacations, nice cars, or high end clothes.   Some really hardcore savers even forgo internet (but their sanity is in question).    We find roommates to help pay the rent, we find the cheapest auto insurance, we buy discount donuts (oh, how sad are the Walmart donuts? I mean, really).

I'll eat you, but I won't like it.

But there are so many there ways in which our jobs make us rich.  Our experiences with the animals is a massively broad and intrinsically rewarding.  We work with like-minded people with a similar value system; no animal haters or apathetic people in sight.  In many cases, we work in or near amazing cities, beaches, mountains, backwaters, or interesting countries, so we can do a lot of cool staycationing.   We have incredible team-bonding moments, like Orphan Potluck Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter no matter what religion (or even if you're religious at all) dinners because well, we work all those holidays.  

With a life as fulfilling and rich as the one we lead as animal caretakers, there is but one thing I have failed to mention.  It is the Holy Grail of zookeepers and animal trainers alike.   

Here a pop-quiz to test your understanding of the world of animal care.

Question:  What is the Holy Grail of Zookeepers and Animal Trainers?
Answer:   a) Winning the lottery
                b) Marrying a rich person
                c) Making a friend outside of work
                d) Finding six French silk pies in your refrigerator one day

If I found six of these in my fridge, I'd give one to charity and eat the rest.

Ha! I bet I really stumped you there, right?  I mean, of COURSE we want to find six pies in our fridges*.  But I know that's something every Tom, Dick, and Harry would want (and possibly people with other names as well).   I'm talking something unique to the field of animal care.

Did you guess C?   DING DING DING.

Wow, I get goosebumps just thinking about it.  A friend.  That doesn't work with me.  Whoa. 

You have to be careful when you meet a person you want to be friends with that doesn't work at your zoo or aquarium.  Because once your coworkers get a clue what you've found, they'll want to be his or her friend too.  Don't take your Non-Work Friend (NWF) to too many work group dinners.  Definitely don't take them to a house party.

Why are these NWFs so coveted?  Because we spend more time with our coworkers than our own family.  I feel so close to my coworkers (past and present), I consider them family.  They are amazing people who love the same things I love.  We share the highest highs and lowest lows.  But we all need to have outlets outside of our workplace.  So an NWF is the perfect answer.

Wait, let me back up.  There's a lot to say about this topic, and I also don't want to leave you with the impression that like, all NWF are the same.    There are three levels of NWFs, listed in order of rarity.

Level One NWF: The Former Work Friend Who Now Works Somewhere Else

This friend used to work with you, but now they are trainers elsewhere, or maybe they left the field.  They know all the same people, they still keep in touch with some of your coworkers, and they know the animals and politics of the facility.  Nonetheless, the great thing about this Level 1 NWF is they are relatively easy to come by if you're in the field long enough.  Also, the more that time passes between when they left and the present moment, the less they really know what's going on at work…but they at least still know what you're talking about.

And, most importantly, they can tell you about new stuff they're up to.  You don't have to live entirely within your work world.  You can have conversations like this:

You: Wow, it's so good to hear from you.  Let me tell you what Noel did during show.  He totally anticipated the bridge on his third position spinner, and LW was all flustered and did that thing she did when something goes wrong.
Level 1 NWF: OMG good ol' Noel.  I can't believe LW still works there!  Let me tell you about my elephants.

Or this:

You: One of our otters escaped today.
Level 1 NWF: Which one?!
You: Garth.
Level 1 NWF: Not again! Did you have to herd him into a crate?
You: Yeah, it worked this time though!

Level Two NWF: The Fellow Animal Keeper/Trainer Who Does Not, Nor Has Ever, Worked At Your Facility

This is one of the coolest friendships to make, for both social and professional reasons.  Some could call this networking, but I'm not just talking about making a professional connection.  I'm talking about something like an experience that happened to me last week, where I met a lead keeper at a zoo not far from where I live.  She was doing a Keeper Chat on red-tail hawks and was obviously well-learned and very passionate about her job.  As we talked further, we both decided it was probably a good idea to take advantage of the NWF opportunity presented to us.  I don't know her animals or her coworkers and vice-versa, so we can sit and talk about our favorite thing (animals), get exposed to different methods of animal training and care, and not worry about well, the things one worries about when developing friendships of varying levels with your own coworkers.

The best part about the Level Two NWF is that forging this friendship requires a Social Intelligence Level of about 0.0004.  Watching two animal keepers befriend one another is similar to watching two five year old strangers start playing together.  At some point, one of the five year olds will blurt out, "WANNA BE FRIENDS?"  to which the other child replies, "YES. I'M FIVE YEARS OLD HOW OLD ARE YOU?" 

In animal care professionals, the conversation goes something like this:

You: Yeah, so, I work in the field too, with harbor seals.
Level 2 NWF: No way! Where?
You: At Local Aquarium.  So, you obviously love your job.
Level 2 NWF: Yeah, it's my life.  Are you on Facebook?
You: YES.  

There is so much excitement in this exchange that, in addition to being stoked you're about to have a NWF friend, you're overwhelmed with the thought of, "OMFG AM I BEING CREEPY RIGHT NOW" when you start to broach the topic of friendship.  So often times, it just comes flying right out of your mouth if you don't use the standard, Facebook Casual Inquiry.

You can also have conversations like this:

You: So one of the otters escaped today.
Level 2 NWF: OMG that sucks!! What did you do?
You: Well, luckily he was crate trained and so we just brought the crate out and sort of herded him in there.
Level 2 NWF: Wow, that's nuts.  The last time that happened to us, one of the keepers got bit.

Level Three NWF: The Bonafied Not An Animal Trainer/Keeper Friend, Like A Banker or Something

BEHOLD

Oh wow, these NWFs are pure gold.  Why? 

Because you can have an outside-of-work life.  100%.

You don't have to worry about sounding weird explaining your training decisions.  You don't have to go into vivid detail about the fecal leavings of your favorite animal, just to feel like you're giving the whole story to a fellow animal person.

No, you can keep it simple.  You can talk about movies, and music, and books, and favorite types of desserts.  That's it.  You'll think about your animals seven times a second, but it's a healthy thing to let your mind focus on other aspects of being a person. Your conversations are like this:

You: OMG I have to tell you what Noel did today.
Level 3 NWF:  Who's Noel? Your boss?
You: Uh, well, in a way, yes.  He's a dolphin.
Level 3 NWF: OMG YOU WORK WITH DOLPHINS?

Or this:

You: I'm sorry I'm late to dinner.  One of the otters escaped.
Level 3 NWF: Weird.  So I ordered us a bottle of red wine if that's okay.

How do you land these friends?  Most of us moved far away from our childhood homes, but some animal keepers/trainers live in an area where they've got childhood or college friends.  The rest of us meet them on accident.  Maybe they're a coworker of a spouse.  Perhaps they take the same yoga class you do.  Maybe you accidentally spilled a hot beverage on them and they filed a lawsuit against you, but you're pretty sure when it's all over, they'll see you're a pretty okay person.

These friends are the rarest of the NWFs by far.  Why?

1) Our jobs are our lives for a reason.  The animals require a lot of time….and frankly, we want to give them as much time as we have.

2) We really do love our human coworkers in most cases.  Or at least, in the case where you don't really get along that well, you still have the same basic passion for the animals.

3) By the time we get home from our jobs, we are ready for bed.

4) We talk about animals all the time, not thinking for a nanosecond that the person we're talking to may not like animals**

5) We smell god awful.  All the time.  Forever.

Well, it's me.

As you likely understand by this point, the Level 3 NWF is kept a secret.  If you have scored such a friend, you may choose to dangle it in front of your coworkers all nonchalant like. You know, like if you landed a date with Chris Hemsworth.  Like, hey sorry I can't go to dinner tonight, I'm going bowling with my NON WORK FRIEND FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSEEEEEE.


Before I wrap up this entry, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying here.  I'm not in any way objectifying any NWF friends of any levels.  I'm objectifying the idea, but not the people themselves.  The people are human beings to whom I can only hope I provide the same support, non judgment, and compassion as they give me.


I am also extremely lucky to have so many wonderful Animal Keeper/Trainer friends no matter who they are, because who else can I talk to about seal whiskers for hours on end?  And know that the conversation is as enthralling and enchanting to me as it is to them?  The fact is, my work friends are just as dear to me as my NWF friends.  Us animal trainers and zookeepers spent years and years listening to people telling us, "You can't do that as a living, it doesn't pay well" or "That's just a summer job, that's not a real job", or "They're just animals."  We earned our coworker friends, who have been through the same thing, and now we are all together working towards what we think is the most important thing in the world.

One (of a few) of the best group of people I know  and have worked with!

But, every now and then, we just want to talk about how cute a random person's butt looks.



This is, as always, just yet another window into my world for your reading pleasure. 





__________
* Because 1) it's free food we don't have to budget for, and 2) they're French silk pies for god's sake

** Don't gasp!! Those people exist!!! In real life!!!!!!!!!!

Dolphins Versus Sea Lions: What Everyone Should Know

For the majority of my career, I've worked with dolphins.  Since January 2005 I've worked primarily with common bottlenose dolphins, mostly the coastal Atlantic variety.  Of course, as you've read in other posts, I've also had the pleasure of working with Pacific white-sided dolphins, one very spunky Atlantic spotted dolphin, nurse sharks, a cow-nosed stingray, North American river otters, and Clark's nutcrackers. 

Bottlenose dolphins are awesome

However, over the past nine months I've had the pleasure of working alongside animals of the pinniped variety.   I'm by no means declaring myself an expert, and in fact this may make this blog even funnier to people who really know pinnipeds.  

But California sea lions are pretty awesome, too!

There is a theme I've heard throughout my career about Dolphin Trainers versus Sea Lion Trainers.  Most of my coworkers past and present who have worked at a variety of facilities and have experienced both animals swear by this distinction.  There is a Dolphin Trainer Type and there is a Sea Lion Trainer Type. 

The more research I do* on this topic, the more I find that the  "Dolphin Trainer" is more of a type A personality, and the Sea Lion Trainer is more type B.  Now, I can't speak for anyone else.  I can tell you with certainty that despite being a dolphin trainer for 8 years, I do not identify with a type A personality.  Perhaps my bizarre brain activity can't be catalogued into the simple Dolphin versus Sea Lion trainer dichotomy.   I may be categorized as something like "Hyena Trainer" or "Partially Lobotomized Spider Monkey Trainer."   

I DECLARE MYSELF A PARTIALLY LOBOTOMIZED SPIDER MONKEY TRAINER

But that is neither here nor there.  The difference between the two trainer types is really impossible to understand unless we look at the difference between the animals themselves.  I never felt qualified to make this blog post come to life before, simply because I hadn't worked with sea lions in my life.

But now I feel I've observed enough to share with you the major differences between dolphins and sea lions.  And then you can draw your own conclusions about the types of people who work with them :)

Difference #1:  POOP

Dolphin poop.  Is it ever really there?  Like the green flash at the horizon as the sun sets over calm waters, dolphin excrement is over before it begins.  It is washed away into the healing, blue water and is never acknowledged, nor smelled.   

Dolphin poop should be neither seen nor heard

Sea lion poop is like well, a big dog poo.  Not only that, but they leave them all over the place.  It is a little known fact that sea lions can sense where humans are (this does not apply just to animal trainers: think of San Francisco) and they Number Two in the precise downwind location, so the aroma is delivered straight to the "OH GOD GROSS" part of your brain.   Sea lion poop is excellent for such sea lion activities as: smearing it on the ground with your flippers.

As you've likely deduced, sea lions require a lot more habitat cleaning.  So you've gotta have a pretty strong stomach and just not care.  I mean let's face it, everybody poops**.  It's natural, it's a sign of good health, and it provides excellent bonding fodder when there's a really extra crappy day (ha ha). 

Plus, the worst experience with animal poo I've had to date was a dolphin.  Yes, a dolphin!  In the 0.00003rd of a second dolphins feces is a solid in the water, it attached to the end of my whistle unbeknownst to me.  Alas, when I went to blow my whistle…..

BLEUGH

Difference #2: BOOGERS AND ALL THAT STUFF

Dolphins have saliva, but the water washes it away.  In fact, it's like they live in a giant bath.  Their skin is clean, their poop dissolves, and even when they are a little drooly, that washes right away too.  The mucus coating on their eyes is transparent, and well….washes away.   The blowhole leads only to the lungs, the mouth to the stomach.  There are very few body fluids that can make it from dolphin to trainer. Oh, how clean are they, the dolphins!

Sea lions have a natural and beneficial bacterial coating on their teeth, which turns their teeth dark brown or black.  It turns the inside of their mouths and their saliva black as well.  Let's put it this way, sea lions basically have a stockpile of molasses-like mouth fun that they can choose to share with you with great verve.  If a sea lion needs to sneeze or is a little miffed, he or she will shoot small to medium-sized Globs of Healthy Oral Hygiene on your face and clothes.  Don't worry, it'll come off with steel wool and a blow torch.

Oh, look at that deliciousness

Difference #3: LOCOMOTION AND VOICE

Dolphins swim gracefully in undulating strokes through the water (that cleans them of all their grossness), whistling lilting melodies.  Their rhythmic clicks are gentle on human ears.  

Unless you're in the water with them, the dolphins are a world away when you're in session with them.  They can leave you and you can leave them very easily.  This makes it easy when the dolphins start to give you the Middle Flipper.  You simply stand up and walk away, giving them the time they need to do be majestical Angels of the Sea. 

Sea lions may be graceful in the water.  But on land, they walk like bear with giant swim fins surgically fused to their hands and feet.  They skitter, stomp, slide, or inchworm their way hither and thither, making a SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP sound.  And, since they are just fine getting around on land, they are in your dance space.  They may not look that spry, but they can out swim you AND outrun you (not fair)!

Their vocalizations can best be described as: Large Carnivorous Dinosaur In Moderate Distress.  There is no lovely-sounded sea lion song.  The best you can hope for is the Long Burp.

What's that sound? A pterodactyl? No, it's a sea lion.  

Let's put it all together in an imaginary conversation between trainer and animal, shall we?

DOLPHIN

Trainer: Alright, Flipper.  Let's do your daily visual exam.

Dolphin: That sounds satisfactory, provided the payoff is what we previously discussed.

Trainer: Of course.  And how was your evening last night?

Dolphin: It was quite satisfactory, thank you.  I appreciated the thorough scrubbing of my habitat.  May we appeal to your good nature to procure some time with basketballs between our performances?

Trainer: My pleasure!  I very much look forward to our interactions together.

Dolphin: As do I, human.  As do I.

SEA LION

Sea Lion: OMG TRAINER WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT? I've been waiting here and waiting here just hoping that you'd come back so I can show you what I did to my room last night!

Trainer: Wow, that is a really nice painting.  Very abstract and modern.  What medium did you use?

Sea Lion: Poop, always poop.  SO WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?

Trainer: Oh, we're going to have so much fun.  We're going to do a training session, and then a show, and then a training session, and then a show, and then another show!

Sea Lion: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Trainer: Well, I gotta go now.

Sea Lion: NOWAITWHEREAREYOUGOINGCANICOMEWITH

Trainer: Not now, but I'll be back, I promise.  Here, have some ice cubes.

Sea Lion: OKAY! Okay! Bye!!! I'LL BE RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

So as you can see, there are very many differences between two of the more popular of marine mammals.  But I can tell you (proudly), that I love working with both equally.  Really.  Of course I've exaggerated (just slightly) some of the things sea lions and dolphins do or don't do.  There are some pretty disgusting things dolphins can do, and some very beautiful and graceful things sea lions do.  I don't know how you could pick a favorite animal if you work with multiple species.  They all have their merits.  And of course, no one is perfect (just don't tell the dolphins I said that).

_____________

* Highly scientific research using such techniques as Facebook messaging

** Except girls

Live from Rhinelander: FROGS FROGS FROGS

This blog entry comes to you from Rhinelander Wisconsin.  You might remember this place from such stories as How My Dad Lost His Glasses and Attempted to Find Them Under Dangerous Circumstances, as well as The Great Duckling Rescue.

You'll also have to forgive the lack of photos, as I'm in the middle of the Northwoods and I don't have my photo library with me. Also, I'M ON VACATION.

But this blog entry is about the best animals in the entire world.  They are the animals I first fell in love with.  They’re cute, they’re complex, they’re texturally interesting.  They’re...

FROGS.

Oh my GOD.  I love frogs.  Seriously, like I don’t understand how anyone finds themselves in anything other than awe and wonder when they see a frog face.  Their wide mouths, cartoony-eyes and squishy, rolly-polly bellies are the epitome of adorableness.  

I first came to love frogs here in Rhinelander at Holiday Acres resort on Lake Thompson.  The lake is home to two main species of frog: the green frog and the bullfrog.  They are relatively easy to tell apart once you know what you’re looking for.  Green frogs are an olive to yellow/green with yellow bellies.  Some of their bellies are as yellow as a banana.  Their maximum size (at least out here) is just smaller than the palm of your hand.  They make a sound I can really only type as, “GULP GULP. GULP GULP.”

The bullfrog is much larger, reaching sizes that in some cases are larger than an average human hand (with the fingers).  This size is scientifically known as “Otimus squishiness”. Their skin color is a dark green, almost black when wet, and their bellies are a light brown or grey.  Their hip bones are more prominent than the green frog, and they make a sound similar to the sound of the lowest string on a cello being played.

Enough of the technicality, let’s talk about my life with frogs.

The first animal I saw up close as a child was a medium-sized bull frog my father caught right outside of our cabin here (the very cabin I’m sitting in front of right now).  My four year old mind decisively christened this First Frog, “Elizabeth.”  Elizabeth enchanted me with her glistening skin, golden eyes, and strength.  I thought there was nothing more beautiful than a frog, and when we had to let her go at the end of the week, I was very sad.   Elizabeth on the other hand, probably thought she evaded certain death and went on to become a motivational speaker for Amphibian Victims of Human Capture.  

Anyways, I thought seeing a frog up close was so awesome, I resolved that one day, I’d have frogs as pets. 

I didn't have any luck for the next couple of years.   In fact, I saw no frogs anywhere.  I was told there were leeches in the reeds where I supposed there'd be frogs.  But as any child knows, leeches can cause Instant Death Due To Massive Pain And Grossness (and a Little Bit of Blood Loss). 

But I didn't believe this lie for very long.  In fact, I used it to my advantage.  

When I was 8, I got over my fear of leeches and traipsed into the reeds with a butterfly net.  In fact, I did so with a wake of boys roughly my age waiting agape behind me, shouting out the Risks of Peril:

"You're going to get LEECHES!!" 

"You'll STEP ON A FISHING HOOK."

"YOU'LL STEP INTO A MUD HOLE AND YOU'LL START SINKING LIKE QUICKSAND AND THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE THE MORE YOU SINK UNTIL YOUR HEAD IS UNDER THE MUD AND NO ONE CAN HEAR YOUR SCREAMS."

Despite the danger, I sought the frogs out.  For hours a day, I'd research where they'd hide, how they made their sounds, what time of day they were easier to find.  Once I found them, I'd make their sounds to lure them closer to me.

Let that last sentence sink into your imagination.  Remember what I said the sounds of green and bull frogs are?  Since none of what I'm about to describe every made its way onto any video recording device, you'll have to just picture me standing as still as possible in ankle-deep bog water trying to make the sound of a cello with my 8 year old voice.   It's really amazing that I found someone to marry me, when I think about it.

Once the frogs were in proper capturing range, I honed my technique of safely and calmly coaxing them into my net.  Once they were securely inside, my excitement exploded into whooping cheers and "DAD I CAUGHT ANOTHER FROG!"*

The best part? The boys who stood in defeat as I walked past them with frog after frog after frog.  I'd bring them to my cabin, hold them, measure them (this is the frog we're talking about here, not the boys), and figure out their gender.  If the tympanic membrane behind their eye was the same size or smaller than the eye, it was a girl.  Larger, a boy.  Some of these frogs I'd take home and keep in a large aquarium system.  I had many of these frogs for almost ten years.

I even used my newfound frog-capture prowess and lack of fear of what lay beneath the muddy water to make a few extra bucks.  One year, every night I'd have a line of boys ranging from 5 to 12 line outside my cabin door paying me a quarter to go out and catch them a frog.  They'd let them go at the end of the week, but I got to keep the quarter.

I never outgrew the frog catching excitement.  Although for some reason, I don't know why, people look really freaked out when I ask them if they want me to catch a frog for them for $5 (inflation, duh).    Nowadays I know that handling frogs with my bare hands is not good for them, so I handle them with nitrile gloves.  I take photos of them and place them back where I found them.  I haven't brought a frog home to keep for a long time.  They are an animal in tremendous peril; highly sensitive to pollution in the water, air, and earth.  My visit up here is made great by a booming frog population, and sad when I find none.  I don't know what it's going to be like this year, but with the amount of bald eagles, loons, mallards, insects, and fish I've seen in the last 12 hours, I'm hoping for the best.  The better the frog population, the healthier the lake.

If I find some cuties, I'll make sure to post the pics on here.  Stay tuned!

_______________

* My mother was not the happiest about my animal collection adventures, so we just left her out of it

Funny Things Guests Say: What Dolphins Feel Like

One of the best parts of my job is the people I meet on a daily basis.  For most of my career, I've worked in an interactive facility, or I've been assigned to a department that does animal interactions.  I love it.  Not only is it fun to meet interesting people, but I get a shot at giving them some information that hopefully will benefit animals, the ocean, the world someday.  I know that a handful of marine mammal trainers, zookeepers, and ethologists are responsible for my passion for animals and the environment.  Their passion for their job (life's work, really) inspired me, so I try to pay to forward to the guests I talk to.  Talk to any of my human coworkers, and they'll tell you the same thing.

You know you're having fun when dolphin toys go flying.

Not every interaction with guests is the same, thankfully.  Most of the time, the exchanges are pleasant. They ask questions, we answer.  If they're doing an interaction program, they follow directions well and enjoy their time with the animals.  They are polite and friendly.  Occasionally, we get people who are not in a great mood for a variety of reasons.  And then, every so often, we get Guests Who Say The Funniest Things.

If I wrote here all of the hilarious stuff I've heard guests say since I started in this field in 2005, this blog entry would reach lengths rivaling a Proust novel.  So I'm going to divide it up into categories, and today's category is:


WHAT DOLPHINS FEEL LIKE

Dolphins feel like……...

I ask this question all the time.  I don't remember why I started asking it, though.  Maybe a mentor suggested it as a good conversation starter when I first started learning how to do dolphin interactions.  Sometimes it's hard to engage guests in conversation when you're first learning, so it helps to have little key phrases to get people talking.  One of the more awkward periods of time in a trainer's new career is when you're setting up for your encounter guests to touch the dolphins.   You'd think this would be the easiest scenario in which to have a chat about dolphin conservation, or physiology, or behavior.  But it's not usually like that.  Why?

Well, I want to let you all in on a little secret about dolphin interactions: most guests don't want to touch the dolphins that much.

"What???" you ask.  "You're crazy, that's crazy, you are dumb."

Okay, I'm not saying all people get bored of touching dolphins.  The people who are nuts about dolphins (and let's face it, most of you reading this blog are of that ilk) want to interact with the dolphins as much as possible.  They love the animals, and our idea of showing affection towards animals in our culture is to give them a good rubdown.  When us animal nuts meet someone's pet for the first time, we're going to want to pet them and play with them for a long time (unless, of course, they are venomous and/or are fire ants*).  

But here's the thing, while many people who come to do interactions like dolphins, I'd say at least 50% of them are not animal lovers (but most of them leave with a greater appreciation for animals that they wouldn't have had without the animal encounter). In addition to that, many of our interaction guests are kids.  Here is a short list of what kids would rather do than pet a dolphin:

1) Play in the water, as though there is no dolphin there
2) Give a couple of hand signals to see if the dolphin responds
3) Toss a toy around for a dolphin to play with
4) Tell you about their weird uncle who eats wood chips

That's not to say people aren't curious about how dolphin skin feels.  But once they've had a couple of seconds of touching the dolphin, they usually stop themselves.  Since our interactions are mostly with the animal needs in mind first, and then the guests', it can be tricky to figure out how to tailor a program to an individual person's interests.  For example, if I have a dolphin who is gaga for tactile, and a guest who would really rather just see what the dolphin can do, I have some mitigating to do to keep that dolphin's interest.  The same goes for the reverse scenario.

So anyways, because not everyone a) wants to touch a dolphin for 15 minutes and b) has an interest in animals, I began to get some interesting reactions to how the dolphins felt.  There were so many interesting reactions, that I make it a point to ask every guest I have what they think the dolphins feel like.  

And so, on this day the 4th of August, two thousand and thirteen, I present to you the Top Ten Answers To The Question "What Do Dolphins Feel Like"?

10) A wet hot dog

Indeed.

9) An eggplant 

The grossest vegetable around

8) A giant olive

Now THAT'S a giant olive!

7) "Exactly like a shark"

Ah yes, the rubber shark.  Its primary prey is the money of Florida tourists.

6) A liver (three guests who were doctors have said this)

Sure, clean it up, maybe dry it off a little.

5) "My wife's legs"

The product that can turn your skin into dolphin skin

4) A dinner plate

…..what?!

3) Ice cubes covered in vaseline

No google search could handle these keywords.  Nor do I think you want to see Ice Cube in vaseline.

2) A sink that has been drained for one hour

Try it!

1) ….. The reproductive erm, area, of the guest's girlfriend

Not even Mr. Cage could deal with this answer

Now it's your time to share, animal trainers!  What are some of the best responses you've gotten to this question (with any animal)?

_______________________
* If you know someone who has pet fire ants, please contact your nearest Psychiatric Hospital for immediate action