Why You "Otter" Love Otters.

Everybody loves otters.  Why IS that? 

You otter know why.

Yes, they're cute.  I mean, no matter what kind of otter you're talking about, otters are all adorable.  But I think the reason they pull on our heartstrings is because they are basically an animal that is as close to a Living Cartoon as anything else on this planet.

All otters share a common ancestry with the toons down in Toon Town.

Think about it.  Otters look like they should act like squirrels or something.  Based on their physical constitution, they ought to just swim around, hunt, dig holes and/or run across the street, like all the other woodland mammals we encounter all of the time.  Opossums, raccoons, woodchucks and their kin are known to the laymen as just sort of Robot Animals.  They just Exist and occasionally Eat Something They Shouldn't.  We just coexist with them.  Why don't we just want to coexist with and/or ignore otters?

While all of the animals I've just listed actually have complex ethology and individual personalities, they don't tend to display these things very blatantly.  At first I thought, well maybe raccoons and opossums don't get the credit they deserve because they are mostly nocturnal and we really only see them when they are: sifting through our garbage cans and/or sitting on the side of the road contemplating complicated physics formulas that allow them to come within 0.00005th of an inch of a tire of a car moving at x-velocity (basically, the raccoons and opossums who are really bad at math are the poor souls you see lying on the side of the road, at least in my estimation).

It's scientific fact that many North American mammals are just really bad at math.

But this "we don't understand them because we are asleep when they are awake" hypothesis doesn't really hold water, because it's not very easy to see an otter.  And they are diurnal.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a live North American river otter in the wild, alive.  For the most part, the sightings are very brief.  

Squirrels, chipmunks, woodchucks and other "common" woodland mammals you'd find in your own backyard are way easier to see and observe, and yet we still kind of just brush them off.  So really, to recap, the reasons why we don't really go ga-ga over these guys is NOT because of a) limited viewing, b) too much viewing, and/or c) because we don't have easy access to them.

I just want to know you better!

Just a quick glimpse of an otter and BOOM, everyone falls in love.  Why? Because they do WEIRD QUIRKY CARTOON ANIMAL THINGS.  ALL THE TIME.  You don't have to spend any time at all observing them to see them do things that instantly make you giggle.

One of those things?  How they use their hands.  Yes, their hands.  This even goes for their marine brethren, the sea otter.  They have little cartoon pawhands that they use to grab things, put things away, pick up their babies like Rafiki holds Simba at the beginning of The Lion King.  

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!  Or whatever the Zulu words for "Here comes an otter holding a tennis ball" are.

They also don't swim like a normal aquatic mammal.  Look at animals like fisher cats, who are closely related to otters.  Every time I've seen a fisher, it just swims, surfaces to breathe, and dives.  A perfectly respectable spectrum of behavior for an aquatic predator, right?  Yes, of course.

I will not eat jello like a normal animal! I WILL TWIST AND TURN AND DRAMATICALLY INGEST THIS JELLO IN THE SACRED, CARTOON WAYS OF THE OTTER

But otters? No, they've gotta add their cartoon flair.  They tumble, turn, roll about, all the while spilling glorious bubbles from their insulating, double-layered fur coat.  They look like they're playing and splashing about, even though they are usually engaged in very serious survival business.  They even breathe through their mouths way more than I think other swimming mammals manage; there is something about watching an otter frolicking in the water and coming to the surface for a gasp of air, giving you a glimpse of their adorable tiny tongue and sharp teeth, as if they don't have TIME to take a good long breath through their nostrils because they are playing too much.

Look.  Look at my cute little mouth.

Each species has its own unique cartoon charm, too.  I've worked with North American and Asian small-clawed otters.  I've written about North American river otters in all of their delightful glory here, but the ASCOs?  Their charm is surely in their capable little alien hands, which I'll get to in a moment.   There are several other species of otters out there, many of which are found in zoos and aquariums and I am just dying to hear stories I'm sure some of our readers are willing to share.

Sea otters? They really blow the Cute Cartoon Animal concept out of the water.  Wrapping yourself in kelp to sleep? Okay, that's pretty cute.  Lying on your back, balancing a rock and smacking delicious sea snacks atop it deftly with anthropomorphic prowess?  Even cuter.  Picking up your baby with both hands and snuggling them? I think I've died and gone to heaven.

How's about holding OTTER HANDS? 

What I'm saying is, otters wear their personalities on their sleeves. It's impossible not to love them, right?

Well, let's address what I'm sure many of you readers who have experience with otters are thinking: Otters Destroy.  

Wait, what, me?

The danger about their in-your-face charm is that it is the biggest lie in the Animal Kingdom.  It's pretty common for people to generally think cute animals are totally incapable of causing injury, death, or mayhem.  I mean, look at dolphins.  People think of them as the Hari Krishna monks of the ocean, completely bastardizing their deeply complicated social behavior repertoire.  But this even goes for animals you'd think are like, no d'uh, dangerous.  Polar bears are one of the deadliest animals on the planet, but they are pretty adorable.  Most of us know better, but some people would probably have no problem giving one a hug (or a Coke).  

Or you could just have otters as pets in the middle of nowhere Scotland.  Seriously, READ THIS BOOK.  It's a memoir about a guy who raised otters in his house and any otter keeper will appreciate it.  Here, let me help you out: BUY THIS BOOK.

But otters? They can disarm any skeptical wildlife viewer.  I think it's not until you actually work with them, or know someone who does, when you realize their deeply dark addiction to Anarchy.  With extremely powerful jaws with crazy bite pressure, a short fuse when it comes to temperament, and a NEVER SAY DIE attitude, otters are a force to be reckoned with regardless of who you are.  Human? Who cares, they can take you down.  A giant crocodile? Whatever, they smile at a challenge (and have been documented harassing and even killing crocodilians, including big.ass.crocs).

Here, check out this Buzzfeed photo essay of a North American river otter killing an American alligator. 

Maybe this is because otters are the perfect balance between predator and prey animals.  They are great predators, but they are not safe from being hunted, either.  They have the confidence of a predator but the razor thin "OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE I BETTER FIGHT OR FLIGHT" attitude of prey.  Combine these traits and you have the perfect storm: a crazed, terrified animal with very, very powerful predatory physiology.   

Otter mayhem.  Make sure you take time to fully appreciate everything that is happening in this photo.  Oh, and the scruffing? That's a trained behavior (literally the only thing going right in this pic).

Aggressive behavior from otters doesn't happen in zoos and aquariums alone.  It happens pretty often in the wild, especially where humans interface with our fuzzy cartoonish friends.  Sometimes, it's because people are trying to get a good, close snuggle with our mustelid friends.  Other times, it's unknowing victims traipsing through otter territory who receive an unpleasant surprise, like the triathlete who was just doing her own thing, running her race, when all of a sudden she was attacked by a crazed NARO, resulting in hospitalization for her and Just Another Day On The Job for the otter.*

This....could be my next big tattoo

Asian small-clawed otters have another tool in their toolbox for destruction, though.  Yes, they can bite.  Luckily, the three little girls I happen to work with are not very prone to biting.  But what they can do with these little hands is incredible.

Their sense of touch is out of this world.  They use their hands much like raccoons to explore and detect prey items or anything else of interest.  Our three ASCOs use their hands to:

1) Carry ice until it magically disappears

2) Pick up Jello eggs

3) Find All The Cockroaches

4) Check That Crevace Seven Hundred Times To Be Sure There Really Isn't Anything In There

5) Gently hold our hand (OMGGGG talk about adorable)

Pick up Jello Brains that they get for Halloween

and, number 6):  Peeling off concrete or tiles when no Power Tool could do the job.

Their hands and fingers may seem dainty and delicate, but they could probably dismantle Earth if given enough time.  We found this out the hard way when we had to put our ASCO gals in a temporary holding area in a locker room during major habitat renovations.  I mean, we quadruple-checked the otter proofing in this locker room place.  We plugged up every possible hole, bolted down covers over drains, made sure there was no possible place for them to climb, pull apart, or bite. And then....

They cast a spell on us.  Wait, no.

They pulled the tile off of the walls.  Yeah.  The tile that was secure.  The tile that we could not budge.  They got their tiny, Iron Man fingers around one little porcelain square and POP.  Off it came.  Oh, what fun! They did a few more before we had to make some serious changes.  

On the bright side, it did give me a great business idea: let's contact our otters out for house redecorating.  Need to strip your kitchen or bathroom?  Don't want to pay a contractor?  Go to your local zoo and hire out their otter family!  Secure them in your bathroom or kitchen for one (1) day, provide all food and water, and BOOM.  Your room will be completely stripped!**  All we ask is that you let the otters take whatever tokens they'd like with them, since they worked so hard to harvest it.  Great enrichment for the otters, you get work done in an 8th of the time a human could do it, and the zoo makes a little money.  Boom.

Ready to work

For all their delights and terrors, I love me some otters.  And I bet after reading this, you do too.  

________________
* My favorite quote from this woman was, "It just kept coming after me. You never knew where it was going to bite next."  Oh, we know lady, we know.

** Warning: there might be poop.

Mother's Day Is For Us Animal Lovers, Too!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

Just a friendly hello from your local Nicholas Cage!

I mean yeah, happy Mother's Day to the mothers of human progeny.  But what *I* mean by moms in this blog today are all of you, the animal caregivers: zookeepers, animal trainers, rehabbers, veterinarians, vet technicians/assistants, and anyone who cares for pets at home.  You know, the ZOO MOMS!

Those of us who care for animals? We are all moms, even if we're not girls.  

Seahorse dads get this concept and enjoy reaping the riches from both parental holidays

It just so happens that the zoo and aquarium field is mostly comprised of females.  I commonly get asked by guests, "Why are all dolphin trainers girls?"  Or when they see one of the two or three dudes we have on staff (paid or interns), they treat it like this anomaly.  

"Oh wow, must be nice for that guy to be surrounded by all those chicks in bathing suits."

No caption required

But to answer the question of why are many of us marine mammal trainers girls, I've heard a commonly given answer that deals with how nurturing females are compared to males.  I always cringe when I hear that, because I don't think that's a fair sweeping statement to make.  I have zero clue why there was a shift from a predominately male field in the 70s and 80s to now mostly female demographic.  I'm sure some sociologist with a good grasp of statistics* could give us an interesting answer, but that's not what this entry is all about.

The fact is, there are a lot of gals in our zoo/aquarium family but there are some dudes, too.  And all of us act like mothers to the animals in our care.

Before any guys get upset at this comparison (i.e. why not just wait until Father's Day next month to be like, hey boy trainers, thanks for being great dads to animals!), read my list of evidence and then decide for yourselves if you're ready to be in touch with your Inner Zoo Mom.

Without further ado, here are all the ways in which ALL animal caretakers are like moms.  

1) We Worry All The %&#@ing Time

All. The. Time.

We are wrought with worry over everything.  Nightmares over whether or not we locked a gate or removed a bottle of Dawn soap from an enclosure (even though we did).  Sleepless nights over animals who aren't feeling well or who are geriatric and in palliative care.  Racing hearts over small little quirks that are probably just fine but What If They Mean Something Bad.

Hypochondria is a raging problem in us Zoo Moms in our own lives, too.  It's like the chicken and the egg example: who knows where it starts and ends.  But I can tell you there've been more than one occasion that I've been convinced that my sore throat is actually some horrific illness not documented since the 11th century because Web MD told me that's what's up.  And similarly, there are times when I just KNOW that this totally normal situation with an animal acting a little off is probably something Really Bad so I better wake the vet up.

I have this posted in every room in my house.

Like moms with young children, we obsess over poop. When we look at poop, what are we really looking at?  No, we're not admiring the dimensionality or pungency of the leavings (although I will admit, sometimes I am impressed with the output and velocity of otter crap).  We are looking for any subtle signs something is wrong.  What human mother couldn't relate to this?  Haven't you too become a Poo Anthropologist, digging through the subtle layers of material trying to understand What's Going On?  

An actual poo photo from my phone.  Slap some eyes and  big smile on it and you've got...

! You're welcome.

Vets must have the Mommy Worry Problem REAL bad, because they actually know what this stuff means more than most of us zookeepers.  Not to say we aren't educated, but our knowledge is usually like, "Oh, this symptom or sign is probably this based on what I've learned and what I've experienced, but I better run it by the vet."  Vets are probably like, "OH MY GOD I SAW THIS IN VET SCHOOL ONE TIME AND HAD NIGHTMARES FOR WEEKS, or it could be this totally no-big-deal problem LET ME RUN ALL THE TESTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  

Those of us who train animals also worry, like a mom, that we are screwing our animals up on any given basis.  If someone isn't progressing in a training goal, we are not as concerned with the animal as we are with our own perceived lack of skill.  The Am I The Worst Trainer Ever syndrome is in fact a nugget of evidence that we worry all the time about our animal kids' happiness/comfort/security.  

And it never stops.  Like any good mom, we will worry even after we are not in the animals' lives anymore...when we move away, or they move away, or whatever.  We still eagerly wait for updates or go visit them, and love them just the same.

2) We Are Bizarrely Involved With Our Animals' Love Lives

Who's that nice boy our littlest sea lion is hanging out with?

Uh, this is an understatement.  No matter what your breeding program entails or what animals you're talking about, we are like the craziest, most possessive mother on earth when it comes to who our animals are dating.  You think your mother-in-law is bad?  Wrong, check out what a zookeeper talks about and deals with when breeding seasons roll around.   

Like I can't tell you how upset well all got  a few months ago when we were worried one of our longterm African penguin pairs were on the rocks.  A sexier, younger and more assertive male used his youthful charm to woo his cougar of choice, resulting in the older male getting his feathers ruffled and feelings hurt.  While this penguin fling never amounted to anything and our faith in penguin loyalty resolved (oh us cultural humans and our rules), there were more than a few of us trainers who felt sad at the potentially shifting relationship.  "But Dapper!!" we said.  "We know Sly is much younger, but Tux really has your best interests at heart.  STICK WITH IT! WORK IT OUT!"  The animal biologists in us understand that this happens (....conveniently forgetting that it happens with our own species for better or worse!).  Like any mothers, as long as the relationship is healthy (e.g. it is a responsible breeding decision), we have to let our animals make their own decisions and put our own emotions about it aside!  

"We may be lambs in the kitchen, but we are African penguins in the bedroom."

This is even more relevant to anyone who raises domesticated animals: you guys are like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, carefully vetting sires and dams and asking them, "But dear, we'd really rather you marry another Russian Blue.  I know a nice tom you're just gonna love and I've already made a date for you two."  

3) We Are Obsessed With Having Grandchildren

A baby dolphin with her actual grandmother

This needs little explanation.  How special is it when a young animal grows up and has kids of their own?  Especially if you've known the parent since he/she was born, there is something so exciting about seeing them go through this major milestone in life.  I've looked at baby dolphins and thought, "oh man, I can't wait until you have cute babies of your own!"  

I daydream about our two older sea lions, Tina and Molly, being moms and how awesome their kids would be.  Molly's would be a gorgeous redhead (she has a very pretty auburn-colored coat) with a giant heart.  I just know it.  And Tina's would rule the universe and probably earn herself a position in executive management at my facility, because Tina is a super genius and would probably only have super genius pups.   

Admit it, you think this about your animals too!  Another reason you're a Zoo Mom.

4) We Cook

Or buckets of fish.  

Fish house.  Food prep.  Commissary.  Whatever you call it, you spend much of your career getting breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks ready.  You know exactly what comes in just as you know exactly what comes out.  Except those times when maybe your animal kids eats something that you didn't put on the menu.   Example? The great mystery of why one of our Asian small-clawed otters named Luna wouldn't lose weight.  We carefully prepared her diets, weighed her regularly and tried to get chubby self down to a better weight but to no avail.  What was going on?

Bring me my food gifts, human slaves!

Oh, I'll tell you.  We caught Luna red-handed helping herself to palmetto bugs in the evening and early in the morning.  It's Florida, it's an outdoor habitat, and she's an otter who loves her snacks.  Put it all together and you get Augustus Gloop at the Wonka chocolate river, except way grosser.

5) We Clean (And Daydream Of The Day When Our Kids Clean Up After Themselves)

Also, we get disproportionately excited over great cleaning products LIKE THIS AMAZING HOSE  BOX

Every marine mammal trainer or aquarist who has to scrub habitats has fleeting-to-long term thoughts about a scrubber that can run itself and/or be operated by the animals in said habitat.  What about terrestrial keepers?  Do you guys think about the benefits of teaching an elephant to use a shovel and a go-cart or tractor?

We as zoological moms clean every day, without getting grossed out and without resentment.  Daydreams of easing the workload happen, but they are never out of spite.  Cleaning habitats is, at least for some of us (myself included) sort of a zen-like moment with a major feeling of accomplishment at the end.  Plus, we do it because we love the animals and want them to be healthy and happy.  It's also really fun to see how well you can control a hose stream.  But seriously, all we do is clean up after our animal kids.  And those of us with pets at home, or working in a vet office, you do the same thing and think nothing of it.  A labor of love!

6) We Baby Talk

That goes for you too, gentlemen.

Yep.  We do.  Even if we do it privately.  So many of us change our voices to talk to the animals, the end.  Males who read this, I know you do it too.  Yes, yes you do.  YES YOU DO.  You mom, you!

7) We Swell With Pride Whenever Our Kid Learns Something New Or Reaches A Milestone

My thoughts exactly

Right???? How awesome is it to see an animal accomplish a goal? And it NEVER gets old! I already talked about this to some extent with the whole grandkids thing, but even if you aren't training an animal, aren't you so happy when one of the animals in your care reaches some kind of milestone?  Whether it's in their natural history or it's them figuring out some cool enrichment device you had....or even if they are just being n-a-u-g-h-t-y?  

We all got really excited when our three sea lion pups figured out how to play fetch with frisbees both in and out of training sessions.  Not just because it was fun, but we couldn't stop talking about how exciting it was to see these little pups just light up when we'd play with them.  And when we left, they used their newfound skills with the toy to play with it for hours on their own.  Our days as animal trainers are packed full of these moments; they never get old, and if we're doing our jobs right, they never stop.

8) We Love Our Kids Unconditionally

I mean, they're easy to love :)

'Nuff said. 

9) And We Talk about #1-8 All The Time Everywhere To Anyone With Ears

"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about how great I am?"

Like any human mom, we overshare about all the things I just gushed about.  The only people who get it are the people who are as big of animal nuts as we are.  We have one album dedicated to Important Life Things (like five of the best wedding photos**, a few of us doing something fun, maybe a pic with a favorite relative).  And then we have 150 Facebook albums with hundreds of photos of one animal doing one thing with a new toy from sixty five different angles and each photo is precious to us and THE WORLD MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.  

Tell the world, we are taking over.

At dinner parties or family gatherings where we are outside of our zoo/aquarium/vet/animal lover world, we find ourselves in this weird mental place where we are talking nonstop about every story about the animals in our lives but our brains are going, "holy cow, I'm talking too much" BUT YOU CAN'T STOP.   Like a new human mom pulling out her phone and showing you the latest 883 photos of her infant's I'm-Pooping-But-You-Classify-This-As-Smiling moment, non-zoo/vet people see us coming down the street and groan, "Oh great, I wonder how many photos of the binturong I need to look at today."

Since I want to look at this sweet face all day, I bet you do too!

Well, tough.  We as Zoo Moms are proud to be as such and you will submit to our need to share the love and pride that spilleth over!!!!!!!


So what does being a Zoo Mom mean? Well, it certainly means you can walk with a sense of pride on this the day celebrating maternal love and what it represents.  Plus, you can indulge in those amazing cakes all the grocery stores have out for Mother's Day without feeling any guilt (major bonus if you are a dude: do you really need an excuse to eat a frosting flower-laden cookie cake that says "THANKS MOM"? I don't think so).  It means that you put the needs of someone else first.  It means that no matter what the species, moms everywhere (even the male moms) deserve an extra hug or high five today.  

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!



_____________
* Hint, this is not me.  My statistics knowledge involves things like How Likely Am I To Get Up Right Now As I Type This And Eat Snacks Mindlessly: 100%.

** I still have zero pictures of my wedding up on Facebook, sort of because I eloped but mostly because I need all the space I can get to put photos of my adorable cockatiel on there.

The latest photo of Lennon on my photo, sleeping under my horribly tan-lined feet.  I JUST LOVE HIM

Emotions Are For The Birds

Do me a favor real quick.  Just read the word below this paragraph and register the first emotion it evokes.  Ready?




BIRD.

BIRD!

Okay, now take this quick quiz:

Q: What emotional response best describes your initial reaction?
      A.  Overwhelming sense of peace: they are so graceful
      B.  GIVE TO ME I WANT TO SNUGGLE
      C.  Ew, they have mites
      D.  NO NO NO NO NO NO

Birds are animals which evoke a wide range of strong emotional human responses that is unique to that particular class.  Many other classes of animals that are not as cute and fuzzy as mammals or as captivating as fish create a more clearcut, bipartisan response:  Like, you either LOVE frogs or you want to gouge your own eyes out when you see them.  You either want snakes draped over your body or you think your life is over when you see a snake on TV.  

But seriously, how can anyone hate frogs?! They are so cute!

But birds do something different.  There are Bird Lovers, Bird Appreciators, Bird Watchers, Bird Haters, and people whose classification cannot be neatly summated but we'll just leave it at: "As long as that bird stays in the sky 10,000 feet away from me, I won't get mites."

As an aside, what is it with people who are obsessed with Mites when it comes to birds?  Like, what exactly do you think is going to happen if a bird with mites comes close to you?  Bubonic plague?  Do you know what kind of mites YOU have (yes, we humans have them!!!).  Maybe that's why most birds are inherently afraid of humans, because they've all been raised to believe We Have Mites.  Anyway, I digress.

OH MY GOD DID IT JUST MITE ON ME?

I've always thought birds are really, really cool animals.  I've always wanted to get to know one personally.  I wouldn't say I'm a hardcore bird lover, you know the ones with the scarred hands from handling all kinds of precious gifts of nature in the ways of sharp and powerful beaks (mad respect to you folks).  The Hardcore guys have seemingly zero fear of getting shredded, and birds all seem to love them. 

I think I could've been a Hardcore Bird Lover though.  I think I had the right wiring for such a thing when I was a kid.  I mostly blame Santa for this failure.  Every year, I put on my Christmas list, "A bird".  Like for a pet.  Every year, I was let down.  Not only did I not get a pet bird, I didn't even get an acknowledgment of my burgeoning ornithological interests.  "You should stay way from birds," Santa seemed to say.  "They have mites."

Some birds ARE a little scary.

Luckily, in my adult life I wound up with four amazing parrots at home, and one of my first training jobs was with Clark's nutcrackers.  I've worked at a couple of facilities with birds (mostly parrots or penguins) and have really gotten to know this amazing group of animals.  My entire life I wondered why so many people had so many strong opinions about our avian friends.  After over ten years of working directly with these animals, sharing my home with them, going to parrot clubs and talking to fellow zookeepers, I think I now know what makes these animals so unique.

They are, without a shred of doubt, the most emotional creatures on the face of the planet.

I would, if you promise not to bite.

Sorry if you're rolling your eyes going, "Oh there Cat goes again, with her whole 'animals have emotions' agenda."

Well, the joke is on you naysayer.  You clearly have never worked with a penguin looking for love.  Or a parrot who has chosen one person seemingly at random to be their arch nemesis for time eternal.  Birds are the hallmark animal class for Emotional Outbursts.  And it drives us humans nuts in all ways good and bad.

Here is a short list of what birds do in their emotional outbursty moments:

1) Constantly vocalize their emotional states at volumes clearly registered in the Andromeda 
    Galaxy

I DO NOT WANT TO EAT THOSE BANANA SHAPED PELLETS

2) Fall deeply and madly in love with anyone or thing forever and ever in 0.29 seconds

Yeah well, birds make it work for them.

3) Develop a deeply-rooted hatred combined with vicious aggression that lasts forever and 
     ever in 0.001 seconds

And I will.

4) Change moods without any notification detectable by even the Most Amazing
     Ornithologist Ever

Get on it.

While birds are very intelligent and complex, their very over-simplified collective personality can basically be described as Albert Goldman from the Birdcage (or, if that reference zoomed over your head*, think of the most emotive, dramatic person ever ever ever times a million).  Whatever emotional response overcomes them in the moment BECOMES them.  

Bird personified.

As a recent example, one of the penguins I have the pleasure of knowing at work has really mastered his Bird Mood Swings.  His name is Mooshu, and he is ready to be the Poster Child for why people Love/Appreciate/Fear/Despite birds (also, he does NOT have mites).   Mooshu is generally a pretty level-headed guy, until he sees That Warm Body (can be in any shape: human or penguin) that is the Love of His Life (LHL).  He waddles over to his chosen LHL and flutters and makes his little African penguin donkey sounds and shakes his head and is just SO happy you're FINALLY here to see him, even if it's the first time in his life he's ever seen you.

I can't help it.  HE IS A BIRD.

But recently, Mooshu has found himself in a quagmire of Bird Emotion.  He has found a LHL in a penguin named Cranberry.  Let me summarize their relationship using a platform we all understand: Facebook relationship statuses.

Mooshu is Married Forever and Ever to Cranberry

Cranberry is It's Complicated.

So Cranberry doesn't really return the same intense passion to Mooshu (just enough to keep him coming back home), and Mooshu just desperately needs to love Someone.  So he goes into typical Boy Penguin mode, and builds her this extravagant nest, the likes of which have never been seen by anyone on staff.  And he defends his beautiful domicile against all other Enemies, such as other penguins and humans.  Even when it's time to eat, he'll run over to trainers and eat his fill in between attempts to Stave Off The Simian Beasts Who Have Approached Cranberry's Castle From The West.

This is Missy, another penguin whose emotional states cannot be charted.

All this sounds like completely normal avian breeding behavior, right?  Well, wait.  The problem is, Mooshu does not fully commit to the destruction of Mankind.  It is not as simple as, "I must guard my wife and home as any male penguin ought."  Mooshu still cannot control his need to identify LHLs.  He sees a trainer who strikes his fancy, and all thoughts of Cranberry poof into thin air.  He will begin his crusade against you, only to at the last second change his demeanor completely and show you How Much He's Missed You and Should We Move In Together? 

He oscillates between lovers, transcending the lines of taxa.  Each second is one anew, depending on which LHL Mooshu is currently eyeing.   And we are all, penguin and human, at the mercy of these emotional outbursts.  There appears to be zero rational thought occurring in this bird's head in this context, just simply allowing his dramatic feelings to drive all of his decisions.  We've got the scars to prove it!

How some people see bird bites.

There are more level-headed birds, I'll admit.  I'm not saying they are ALL like this, but most of them are (let's face it).  When you find that rare bird who just loves everyone equally (and I don't just mean tolerate them due to diligent training) and is pretty much relaxed in all settings**, take advantage of that.  Even someone who is terrified of birds can snuggle and love a chill yogi bird like that.  Sometimes, those birds can convert the naysayers into Appreciators or even Lovers.

But has anyone ever stopped to think about what it'd be like if humans acted like birds do?  Not just the extreme emotional wrecks of birds....just normal, typical bird behavior.  Here, let me paint a few pictures for you, using me and my husband Russ as an example.

If Humans Acted Like Birds....

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Scene 1: Waking Up In the Morning
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Humans

Blarrrggghhh

Me: grumble grumble grumble.  Hey Russ, good morning.

Russ: *snores*

Humans as Birds

CAN'T WAIT.

Me: WOW! WOW!!!!!!!!! HELLO! HELLO EVERYONE!!! HEY, RUSS, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! I SURVIVED THE NIGHT! Ohhhhh my god oh my god oh my god do you know what this MEANS? I can eat BREAKFAST AGAIN and I'M GONNA HAVE MY FAVORITE CAKE DONUT WITH THE CHOCOLATE ICING!!! This is the BEST DAY OF MY LIFEEEEEE!!!

Russ: I AM SO EXCITED TOO I COULD JUST THROW UP

Me: YES! You stay RIGHT HERE! I'm going to GO OUTSIDE!! And I'm going to TELL ALL THE NEIGHBORS that we BOTH are ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

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Scene 2: Home Invasion
*******************************

Humans

Right back at ya, Ned!

Me: Hey look, there's our neighbor Fred.

Russ: Oh, I'll go say hi to him.


Humans as Birds

GET OFF MY LAWN

Me: There. Is. Another. Person. On. Our. Lawn.

Russ: LET ME DON MY MOST INTIMIDATING CLOTHING, FOR I SHALL EMERGE QUICKLY AND FIERCELY FROM THIS ABODE TO DISPATCH THIS HEATHEN WITH SHARP RAPS TO THE HEAD.

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Scene 3: Falling in Love
*******************************

Humans

THESE ACTUALLY EXIST?!

Russ: I got you these flowers.  And I want you to know that I think I'm in love with you.

Me: OMG! Thank you! And I love you too! Wow! I am so happy!  

Humans as Birds

Yeah I'll stick to the donut bouquet

Russ: Behold! I appear before you now, fair princess, standing in all my glory! Allow me to dance! I shall dance the dance of our primitive ancestors, an ancient rite that transcends words and culture, to show you that I am a worthy Mate.  I am the Mate of MATES!  let me bestow upon YOU, fair lady, treasures from abroad! Rare gems from Africa, luxury cars from Italy, and the finest clothing in the latest fashion from Paris!!!!!!  All for YOU dear woman, should you choose me as your eternal mate.

Me: Whatever.  I don't care.  Wait, never mind.  I AM SO EXCITED I COULD JUST THROW UP.


Etcetera etcetera.

Birds are so very in touch with whatever it is they need NOW and how they feel NOW that I think we could all take a page out of their book.  Maybe it's healthy to, at least for some of us, be more in touch with our emotions.  Some of us may identify more closely with birds and decide hey, maybe I should learn to manage those outbursts a little better.   So what, do us Bird Lovers (from the Normal to Hardcore) find these massive mood swings charming?  Well, yes.  We do.  But it makes sense why others would find it terrifying.  In truth, it makes completely sense why some people LOVE birds.  Or LIKE them....from a distance.  Or are terrified of them.  


But the fact remains that the Bird Drama works for those animals.  It's mostly comical, sometimes terrifying (try laughing when a sun conure flies at your face and tries to remove it in small, bloody strips with her small but impressively powerful beak), and always fascinating.  Those of us who see the intelligence and wonder of the Avian class will put up with a little theatrics and some painful bites in order to earn the trust of one of the coolest kinds of animals out there.   Or maybe we'll just appreciate them from a good pair of binoculars.

Their loss.

_________
* In which case you need to stop reading this blog and go watch this movie immediately, as it is mandatory viewing for all humans  

** I haven't forgotten that most of these animals are prey animals....birds are snack packets for many other animals and as such, they are allowed to be a little skittish or on edge