27 Zoo Secrets You Apparently Didn't Know About

Who out there has read the recent Ranker "article", 27 Secrets Zoos Don't Want You To Know?  I know, I totally just linked to it, and I totally think you should read it if you haven't because I mean, there are secrets contained in there.  Don't you want to know what they are?  Especially if you work at a zoo or aquarium, you should probably be up in arms about the fact that some well-meaning whistleblower has decided to EXPOSE OUR SECRETS.

GASP

Before I read the article, I was utterly shocked.  How could a LAYMEN discover these secrets?  Did they know someone On The Inside?  And now, all of us animal care professionals (the zookeepers, the animal trainers, veterinarians, educators) should shake in our boots.  Like Edward Snowden and Julian Assange*, the author of this Ranker post systematically rips the shroud of secrecy off of our field and into the bright, unblinking spotlight of the Court of Public Opinion.  

But, SPOILER ALERT!  All zookeepers can breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Because when I actually read the article, I found two things:

1) All of our secrets are safe.  

2) The so-called "secrets" the author discusses are just complete lies, or are exaggerated claims based off of one random event. 

My initial reaction was laughter.  But I felt a little badly for laughing at this person's efforts, since it employed serious Google searching and propaganda techniques that are reserved for the Experts, such as Kim Jong Un.**  Clearly, the author of said article spent tens of minutes vetting all of the evidence presented as Internet Fact.

Good question, Kim.

Because of my guilt for LOLing at the inaneness of this "author's" efforts, I've decided I'm going to expose actual secrets of zoos and aquariums.  These are the secrets that I expected (and dreaded) seeing.  So I'm sorry for any embarrassment or anger I incite in you, loyal readers. But it's better for us to be totally transparent.

Without further ado, here are 27 Actual, True, Very Real Zoo Secrets:

1. We Eat A Lot Of Junk Food

Serving Size: 1 (for a Zookeeper or Marine Mammal Trainer)

And we try to hide it.  Yes.  We pretend we only took one donut.  But we really took three.  And a half.  Well, technically four.  Because you know, there was that one glazed donut left in the box at the end of the day.

2. We Are Unsettlingly Obsessed With Nicely Coiled Hoses

This is almost as good as the donut photo above.

Whether you're dealing with a terrestrial or an aquatic animal caretaker, we spend a lot of time with our hoses and want them to feel loved and respected.

3. There Is No Such Thing As A Rich Zookeeper

After exploiting the animals, I like to take night cruises on my super yacht.

Seriously.  Like, where is all this money the zoo industry is allegedly making going?  Because it's sure not going to my bank account. #thankgodforBOGOpastasales

4. Sometimes We Get Free Food From Concessions

OMG Aren't these just the BEST?

Too many french fries made for the day?  Too many pretzels warmed up?  Ran out of room in the freezer for ice cream treats?  BOOM, zookeepers and marine mammal trainers win.  Concessions managers can really make us happy after a long day.  But shhh, don't tell anyone.

5. We Get As Excited About Animal Births As We Do Human Births

Don't judge

Yeah yeah yeah, the miracle of human life or whatever, but have you SEEN a dolphin be born?  Animal babies are awesome, and seeing them grow and develop is just as much fun as watching your own kid go through it.

6. We Like The Smell Of Some Poop

Yeah? So?

Not that we're going to smear it in our hair or anything, but most of the poop produced by the animals we know and love really doesn't gross us out.  In fact, some of it is like, okay.  I AM NOT ASHAMED.

7. We Cannot Hold A Conversation Outside of the Zoo Field That Does Not Involve Animals

Socially Awkward Penguin is cared for by Socially Awkward Zookeepers (which is every last one of us)

We may be fantastically eloquent public speakers, but we cannot hold a conversation with normal people without talking about work.  

8. Algae Is The Arch Nemesis Of All Zoos

*slorch*

Ender's Game doesn't have a thing on the type of battle we face with algae.  It grows everywhere.  It doesn't care.  It doesn't follow Biological Rules.  It just grows, and grows back, and gives the impression your habitats are "dirty" to guests who don't know any better because they don't realize algae is the "beautiful seaweed" they enjoy seeing in the ocean or a lake.  And yet, we scrub and scrub and scrub fence lines, habitats, sidewalks.  And our little protist friends laugh at us and make us feel completely insignificant.  But I'm not bitter or anything.

9. Zoos Purchase A Lot of Lubricant

Not pictured: 100 additional bottles

Ultrasounds.  Gastric tubes.  Thermometers.  There are a lot of pieces of vet equipment that require the use of lubricant.  Now don't get all skeeved out.  For example, the thermometer probe we use at my place of employment for the dolphins is about as thin as a piece of string.  But still, we lube it up because we want to be 100% sure it's not uncomfortable.  If you're going to be weirded out at anything, think about how it feels to walk into Walgreens and buy 15 bottles of KY jelly and then that pack of M&Ms that's on sale at the counter.

10. We Have A Lot of Nightmares About Locks

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

All animal care professionals worry that they didn't lock up the night house, or the back door to the employee parking lot.

11. We Will Trade Our First Born Child For A Pair of Good Work Shoes

ohmigod

Do they chafe? Do they smell after a few uses? Do they hurt my lower back? No?  Okay, deal.

12. Overall, The Animals In Our Care Live Longer Than Their Wild Counterparts

We wants to tell you a secret

I didn't think this was a secret, but apparently according to some naysayers they claim that many of the animals in our care don't live very long.  Um, well, okay, so that must be a secret to the general public?  So here's the truth: they live as long or longer than their wild counterparts for the most part.  Glad to have cleared that up.

13. We Know Guests Aren't "Really Leaving Town Tomorrow"

Oh for the love of Pete (yes please)

Okay, we know our guests lie to us sometimes.  When they are unhappy that we can't squeeze them into an encounter program because we don't want to overwork the animals, and they say, "BUT WE ARE LEAVING TOMORROW!!!!!".  Sorry, we have Liar Guest Radar.  And now you know our secret.

14. We Wash Our Hands Before Going To The Bathroom

Exactly

It's just better to sandwich the hand washing in this scenario.  Wash your hands, evacuate, wash your hands again.

15. Zoos and Aquariums Have Really, Really High Overhead Costs

How we pay the electric bill

Here's a fun game: what do YOU think our electric bill is?  Our water bill? Gas?  How about cost of food?  Veterinary bills?  Zoos and aquariums don't just Pintrest their exhibit construction and fill it with some sticks, leaves, and tap water and plop animals in there.  Also, we don't have any secret renewable energy source to like, flush the toilets or keep the lights on.  The secret is, we owe a LOT of money to a LOT of businesses at the end of every month.

16. We All Have That One Job We Hate

The worst

Me? I'm not a huge fan of some of the clerical work I have to do as a supervisor.

17. We Get Really Sad When Guests Don't See How Awesome Our Animals Are

Which sucks if your're a saiga antelope, because they could use just half of the publicity that killer whales are getting right now.  

It's true.  There are the handful of recognizable animals at zoos and aquariums, but a lot of the other critters are not ones that guests tend to really care about....until we show them how amazing they are.  Still, we are still met with, "Well they are boring/gross" or "yeah but where are the orcas?"

18. We Have A Favorite Animal Or Two

What who said that?

We love all of the animals equally.  But there are always a few we just seem to groove better with.

19. We Have A Lot Of Embarrassing Photos On Our Phones

If only it was this cute IRL

Photos of poop.  Close up pictures of moles.  We've got a lot of weird photos on our phones of our animals' leavings and other fun things that we've sent to vets and curators.  But hey, it guarantees instant karmic punishment to anyone who happens to steal our phones and goes through our photos.  Beware.

20. We Rely Heavily On Revenue To Pay Our Bills

Please sir!

That high overhead?  Yeah, that's why we charge $12 for a 5x7 photo of your giraffe encounter.  Not because it goes to the Rolls Royce no zookeeper (or zoo CEO for that matter) will ever have, but because we need to pay those insanely high overhead costs.  Amazing how it works: make money to keep the animals cared for.

21. Most Zoo and Aquarium Guests Have Zero Experience With Any Of The Animals They're Seeing

Most people have not seen a wild California sea lion

Fact: the vast majority of zoo/aquarium patrons have never seen the vast majority of the animals at that facility in the wild.  

22. We Expect Long Lives From The Animals We Know and Love

My mom and I with Nellie and Lily.  Nellie was 61 when she passed away, and Lily was in her 50s.

We take great care of the animals we are honored to know and love.  Like you expect your dog or cat to live a long, healthy life, that's what we expect with the animals under our care, too.  Not to live to half their lifespan...but we strive for and expect it to reach it and beyond.

23. We Spend More Time At Work Than With Our Non-Work Families

...you work in a zoo or aquarium.

'Nuff said

24. We Don't Even Try To Keep Our Cars Clean

Goo.

Why bother?  We clean all day, we don't have the energy to clean off the clock.  Plus, ain't never going to get the sand out of the car.  Just embrace it and let it build up.

25. We Keep A Log Of Silly Things Guests Say

Teehehehehehe

Not ashamed.

26. The Animals Eat Better Than We Do

This photo is straight from the Ranker blog

Fresh browse, produce, meat.  Restaurant-quality frozen meat and fish.  Our animals get top-notch food.  And we the animal caretakers eat surplus Super Pretzels that are 8 hours old from the snack bar.

27. We Lose Life-Threatening Amounts Of Blood To Flying Insects

*cries*

Deer flies.  Mosquitoes.  Noseeums.  They feast upon our flesh and blood with wild abandon.  And we maintain our sanity and blood volume, somehow.

It's no secret that the animals we care for receive vitamins and supplements, and if necessary, medications***.  It's no secret that zoos reach millions of people each year, and inspire countless people to care about animals and the environments they live in.  Are there places that call themselves a "zoo" but are god-awful?  Yep.  Just like there are bad dentists, schools, and bakeries.  But those are the minority.  Our Industry Secrets are truly as benign as I've written here.  And there are more to be sure.  But the way we care for the animals, how many people we reach, and how the animals actually live in quality zoos and aquariums is never, nor will it ever be, a secret.

_______________

* If you don't know who these people are, shame shame.

** Whose father, by the way, invented the hamburger.  Also, North Korea is responsible for feeding all starving Americans.  

*** Like antibiotics or medications that support problems typically related with old age, or pain support (especially, again for our older animals with aging joints).  Not anti-"zoochosis" drugs (who makes this stuff up?)

Why Are Some People So Mean When Animals Die?

Oh man, I'm pretty bummed.

You know me, I'm usually a pretty happy-go-lucky person and try to keep this blog in the same light. But this past week, I've felt pretty sad.  Even a little angry.  So that's your warning, lovely readers.  This entry may be a little sassy.  Forgive me.

I guess if Sir McCartney can be sassy about some things, I can too.

I really do try to be an open-minded person, especially with the field I'm in. I mean, I have my opinions on related topics.  Obviously, I am a marine mammal trainer and therefore support zoos and aquariums who bend over backwards for the animals in their care and provide the best quality education and outreach to their park guests.  But I understand the other perspectives on this topic.  I have dear friends who share an opposite opinion from me on these matters.  Somehow, despite our passionate differences, we are all able to not only get along, but make the best positive impact we can to actually help animals.

I try to stay away from extreme sides of the crudely named "pro" and "anti" zoo/aquarium agendas.  I think extremes on either sides do not result in positive change.  I think they result in isolation and propaganda, and in general just make everyone mad.  That kind of anger stalls progress.

When I get mad, I seriously can't do anything constructive.  Maybe if I'm a little irritated, or stressed, I can channel that into something good.  But when I'm spitting mad, I am worthless. 

For example, I lose things ALL THE TIME.  At this point, I have quantum physicists scratching their heads over the amount of matter I make completely disappear, disproving the first law of thermodynamics*.  However, occasionally I'm able to locate missing items.  
The other day, I couldn't find my car keys.  I was running late for work as a result, and I got really, really, really mad.  Like, I was running around the house swearing loudly, so loudly it scared my parrots into stunned silence.  The madder I got, the less I could focus on what I was looking at.  You could've had Chris Hemsworth buck naked in front of me, and I wouldn't have seen him**, I was SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR LOSING MY KEYS AND NOW I WAS GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK AND MY LIFE IS OVER.

Quit goofing around and find my keys, Chris!

Anger completely clouded my ability to see my keys perched on a countertop, in broad daylight, right in front of me.  My husband was able to pierce the ire veil I was sporting.  I felt like a heel, but it amazed me at how little I could accomplish when I was really mad.  And that was at something stupid.

So when we get really upset at "the other side" of the zoo argument, we really....aren't doing ourselves any favors.  Therefore, why would we go out of our way to upset each other?  

This is the question I asked myself this week, when I saw the reactions to Georgia Aquarium's sad news about their young beluga calf passing away.  

This blog is getting sad, so here's a quick pick-me-up photo.

I've read some horrible, horrible responses to the deaths of animals at zoos and aquariums...especially marine mammals and elephants.  Strike that: dolphins, belugas, the occasional sea lion, and elephants.  Marine mammals is too broad of a term, since some of them seem to not "count" to many extremeists.  Not sure who decided that seals don't have souls the same way dolphins do, but I guess there is some kind of Wellness Hierarchy of Importance that animals fall under for us to care about.  If a facility loses an impala, no one appears to direct their "free the animals agenda" towards that event.  Why?  Certainly it's not because the impala's life is worth less than a killer whale's or elephant's.  At least, not to us real animal lovers.

I digress.  When an animal dies, and that facility decides to make an announcement about it on Facebook, it is incredible to see the comments following it.  I'll admit that in some cases, there is overwhelming support and genuine condolences.  But in other cases, there are a significant number of deeply cruel replies.  And that's what I'm really upset about.

To those of you who feel that it is a necessary part of your agenda to help animals by writing heartless, scathing comments in response to an animal death, can you please just take the time to read what I'm writing directly to you?

That's right.  You.

Do you genuinely feel that saying something like, "Captivity kills", or "At least she is swimming free in heaven and not suffering in a tank" is constructive?  Do you feel that the "greater good" of getting your point across somehow trumps the fact that you're being an insensitive, mean person?

Protesting or making slanderous comments at a funeral, memorial service, or memorial site (whether physical or cyberspace or whatever) is one of the lowest, crappiest decisions a human being can make.  Seriously.  You are using one of the worst times in those peoples' lives to....state your opinion?  Really?  By logical extension, I suppose you are okay with an organization like Westboro Baptist Church going to funerals and harassing people trying to mourn the loss of a loved one?  If you're not okay with that, then why are you doing the EXACT SAME THING to people in the animal care industry?

May we blink?

Is there kind of an impulse to like, punish us when we lose an animal?  Is there some voice in your head that says, "Oh good, see, now they're so sad that this animal died, they'll be SO willing to hear the super mean things I have to say"?  Or is it just a genuine need to twist the knife, so that you can wipe your hands clean and say, "Well, at least I punished them for their misdeeds."  What a childish, immature way of thinking.

Just so you know, when an animal passes away, it is a loss that is deeply, deeply felt.  In the recent case of the little beluga calf, would it hurt you or your cause if you acknowledged (like a decent human being) the following?

1) That there were a large number of people who spent days and days on end away from their families at the aquarium in freezing water, worrying every second about the well-being of that calf?  

2) That they got to know this calf as an individual as each day and hour passed?  That they got to see the bond between calf and mother?

3) That the animal caretakers went through a tumultuous emotional rollercoaster as the prognosis of this calf was assessed?  The anxiety, the hope, the sadness, the acceptance....all of the things you have probably gone through with a losing loved one (human or otherwise)?

You can disagree with the aquarium field all you want.  But these people spent countless hours and put their entire heart into caring for this little calf.  Keep your mean thoughts to yourself or go donate some goods to an animal rescue, shelter, or conservation cause.

When you see that an animal has died at a zoo or aquarium, even if you think zoos and aquariums are evil, you fail to acknowledge and respect the LIFE of that animal when you troll Facebook and talk about how happy you are that they are dead.  Or want to rub the animal caretakers' faces in it.  Or that it is somehow okay for you to proclaim "Well no kidding he/she died, because you enslaved them".   

The minute you make those comments, you not only establish yourself as an insensitive person, but you have bastardized the animal's individuality.  They lived a life.  They made meaningful connections, regardless of your own personal opinion of the quality of those relationships.  Your opinion doesn't change the fact that that animal probably looked forward to spending time with a favorite trainer or keeper, or spending time with a conspecific.  They learned, they loved, they impacted other animals, trainers/keepers/vets/volunteers, and guests.  They were important to someone.  It doesn't MATTER that you think they should be "wild and free".  Fine.  Think that! That's your prerogative.  But THOSE ANIMALS' LIVES MATTER.  When they die, they do not deserve to have a bunch of people sit at their computers and sophomorically pass harsh judgment and punishment in the form of cruel words.

If you love animals, you respect not just what they are but WHO they are.

Again, what is the end game here?  Is it to change our minds?  "Wake us up" or something?  Guess what you're really doing: making people really, really sad.  And really, really mad.  Far less likely to really hear what you have to say, if you have anything intelligent to add (which, look, I'm sure most of you do, even if you do show lack of character in flaming memorial posts).   

Hint: This is not what you want to accomplish when sharing your opinion with someone who does not agree with you.

When one of the dolphins I knew passed away at a very old age, the facility she lived at posted a lovely memorial to her on Facebook.  She was an incredible gal; very intelligent, a great leader (yes, I mean that); every dolphin wanted to be in her inner circle and she never ruled with an iron fist, and she was just a laid-back, charming personality.  She was also very recognizable to guests, so literally everyone who met her remembered her and adored her.  She just had a magnetic personality, and when she died she broke a lot of hearts (dolphins and humans).  

So what did people say about this?  Lots of nice things.  And then lots of awful things.  "You should've set her free", "She died a slave" blah blah blah.  I wanted to scream at the computer, "You guys didn't even know her!"  and "Give your armchair activistm/bullying a break; is nothing sacred?!"

What a great gal!

If you really want to get your point across, stop with the cyber bullying.  Start looking at the animals as individuals; start looking at the people working alongside of those animals as individuals.  We are all opinionated, we all come from the same place: we love animals.  If that's the only place where we agree, then so be it.  There is no reason for me to go out of my way to really tear into you and try to make you seething angry or sad, just as there is no reason for you to do the same to me.  Animal deaths are not proof of your opinion.  They are a tragic loss.  There are people and animals hurting during that time.  Find another way to reach out.  

Find another way to help the animals you love.  Channel whatever vindication you feel when you learn about an animal death to do something good for animals in need:

Step 1: GET OFF THE COMPUTER

Step 2: Do something positive, like:

1) Donate your time at a local animal shelter
2) Donate money to a conservation cause of your choice
3) Journal your feelings privately (you can be as mean as you want to)....then go hug your dog
4) [insert your cool idea on a way to truly make an animal's life better here]


To the people who are reeling from loss, recent or distant, my heart goes out to you.  Especially those of you whose situation inspired this blog.  You did a wonderful thing for that little animal.  She was surrounded by her mom and a lot of humans who loved her and wanted the best for her.  A tragic end yes, one filled with devoted adoration and dedication.  I don't care how scientific you are or aren't, no one can argue that animals (humans included) do not know when they are safe and loved.  You provided that to her.  We provide that to our animals, old and young, every day in the best and worst of times.  The world would be a much better place if every person lived their lives like that, wouldn't it?

:)

________
* Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  Except if you have been touched by me, then you get a pass on all known scientific principles.

** Le sigh

An Aspiring Trainer’s Guide to Conquering Career Induced Depression (Special Guest Author Justin Dickinson)

I met Justin Dickinson when he interned at my current facility last year. Now, he's all growed-up, working as a zookeeper and writing blogs. When I read the one I'm about to share with you, I got real excited. Here was an entry that perfectly encapsulated not only the struggles of aspiring trainers...but ALL of our bad days and ruts in our career and life. But the best part of Justin's spiel? The ability to turn our jobs as animal trainers and caregivers into a life lesson. There are a lot of gems of wisdom in here, and I happily pass this on to you, dear readers. Enjoy! 

Look at him, enriching those dolphins.

________________________________________________

When Cat contacted me about taking one of my tumblr posts and putting it on TMF I thought, “Justin, you can’t vomit right now! You’re pumping gas!” So after I got into my car and remembered that I was running late for work I immediately accepted the offer to share my thoughts with a wider audience; which is possible because Cat is *cough cough* basically internet famous *cough cough*. Ahem. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat… er… keyboard.... Anywho, I thought it would be a great opportunity to share, collaborate, and maybe start some new conversations. And as I promised Cat I would edit out most of the gushing over how excited I am I’m gonna save myself some work and get right to it! So! Without further ado (other than this introductory sentence) here’s what I call An Aspiring Trainer’s Guide to Conquering Career Induced Depression.

So if your experience pursuing a career in animal training/zoo keeping is anything like mine then you’ve probably run into many disappointments. You’re not qualified enough. You didn’t pass the swim test. You didn’t get offered an interview. Et cetera, et cetera. This can turn into a massive funk cloud that just smothers the life out of you. You feel hopeless, like a loser, probably a bit fat if we’re being really honest. So what can you do to help move forward? Well I’m gonna tell you. I’m gonna talk about what you can do to help yourself feel better. Not feel better about your resume. Not feel more comfortable about your interview last week. I’m talking about actually feeling better emotionally. You can’t take care of a dolphin’s health if you’re not taking care of your own health. Mental and emotional included. Anyways, here are my not so expert steps in how you can make yourself feel better in general:*

1). Change Your Base.

You’re probably gonna feel the urge to eat a lot of junk food. Do it. Eat all of it.

This is really easy if you make friends with the fine folks at concessions

Eat every last chip and cookie until you recognize that it isn’t helping. Then change your base. The animals get a base diet for training, calories, etc. but we never really plan out our own diet that way. So start eating fruits and vegetables out the wazoo. Bake a chicken. Look up those “gross vegan recipes” and make something.

Okay, but have you BEEN to Olive Garden?

After all that junk food you’ll be amazed at how good you feel to be eating right. How awake you are, how much energy you have, and how happy you feel. Plus if the occasional “I didn’t get an offer” pint of ice cream sneaks in you won’t feel quite as guilty.

2). Clean Your Habitat.

Let’s be honest. The only thing that smells worse than the fish covered swimsuit you aren’t wearing right now is the combination of sweat, old pizza boxes, laundry, and general funk of depression that’s filling your room.

Yeah that's about how proud you should look.**

So first step to tackling this is to take a long hot shower. Actually standing up this time is suggested but not required. After you’ve thoroughly cleaned yourself you’ll have a better appreciation for just how badly your habitat is in need of cleaning and repair. Dive right in with the trash. I strongly recommend getting at least two large trash bags from the get go so you don’t lose motivation when your trash can gets full. Next you need to dust, sweep, vacuum, and/or rinse with a fire hose… I’m not here to judge, you do what you gotta do.

   

Now I know for some of you this next step will feel impossible, but DO IT ANYWAYS! Strip down your bed, grab your hamper, and do all your laundry. All of it. Leave nothing soft, cozy, or snuggly in that room. This will help prevent you from taking a nap or just curling up in a corner and reminiscing about the first day you got your favorite teddy bear.

I'm sorry Mr. Bear, but that means you, too.

Meanwhile go have a snack or something (If you’ve already successfully changed your base I’d recommend a banana. If you haven’t completed that step yet, I still recommend a banana). Take your mind off your clean yet barren habitat. Once the laundry is done the next step is to put your bed back together, straighten any pictures, fan out the magazines, and I suppose put the clothes in the closet. After all of that is done walk to the middle of your room and lie on the floor. Yes, get down and put your body on the freshly vacuumed carpet. Now look around and enjoy your fresh space. Notice the lack of dark clouds and the fresh scent of lavender or lemon or whatever kind of scented cleaning product you used. This is no longer a space of dreary disappointments. This is now a happy home for accomplishing goals and good nights’ sleep.

3). Get Some Enrichment.

This one is very open for your own interpretation. Basically you need to go out and try something new. Old hobbies not bringing the same joy? That’s fine. Go find a new one. Go buy a hula hoop and set a new personal record. Go to Wal-Mart and count how many people you see in their pajamas. Go see a movie you’ve never seen before. Go wave to strangers. Go try and do anything new or different. Give your brain and body some stimulation, because odds are, the 6 seasons of reality tv you watched on Netflix didn’t do that for you. I personally find it very enriching to get my adrenaline pumping. I’m not really a thrill seeker so the most enriching thing to my daily schedule is being scared witless or conquering a fear. Like my fear of eagles for example.

Warning: Please do NOT make capturing eagles your choice for enrichment unless properly supervised :)

4). Do an Interaction.

Probably the most dangerous of the steps is to do an interaction with an actual human face-to-face in person. It doesn’t really matter what you do for this step; dinner, drinks, donuts, but you need to engage with the other person.

I think what Google is trying to say with this one is you first were displaced by depression, now you’re getting closer to face-to-face contact, and soon you’ll be out getting sandwiches with someone. Or something like that…

You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to feed off of the energy of someone else for a while. Talk about their life instead of the troubles in yours. Now this can be dangerous because you run the risk of discussing all your career troubles. But that’s why this step is toward the end. If you’ve mastered the other steps then you should be ready to talk about anything. After you complete this interaction, book another. Plan to do one at least once a week until you’re ready for more. This will help keep your skills as a human (eating, sleeping, bathing, etc.) in working condition.

5). Learn a New Behavior.

Now last and most difficult is to learn something. I know how inconceivable that sounds. Especially after you did all the other steps. But it’s time to face facts. Whatever you tried before didn’t work. What can you do to make it work next time? Maybe you need to have another set of eyes on your resume or better prepare for the interview. Maybe you need to hit the pool a bit more often or get some experience on a microphone.*** Maybe you did everything perfect and it was just a personality preference. In that case you need to work on accepting that. Sometimes you just never know what they’re looking for, and that’s okay. Grow from it. Learn how to market who you are so that when someone is looking for it, they see you and they want it even more than they thought they did. And once you feel that you’ve found what you’ve needed to learn and mastered it, reinforce your behavior with a slice of cake or a new shirt or something. It’s all for nothing if you don’t find a way to encourage yourself to keep doing it.

    

I don’t really know what the babies are being reinforced for but yeah… clap for yourself. You deserve it!

Now, if you’ve followed all these steps you should be well on your way or fully out of your Career Induced Depression. Don’t be afraid to revisit these. Odds are you’re gonna get pretty bummed more than once. That’s the nature of the beast. But more than anything, remember what it takes to train any behavior: motivation. Ground yourself in what motivates you to pursue this career and never lose sight of it.****

Like Justin's stuff? Check out his tumblr blog Zebra Underwater

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* You can perform these steps in any order, but they’re listed in my recommended order.

**I always found it ironic that Hoarders is played on a network with the initials TLC.

***Or maybe you make too many lists like me...

****Note: I didn’t include this in the list because it didn’t really fit the “treat yourself as the animal and care for/train yourself” theme I was going for but I would also recommend talking it out. Find a person who gets what you’re going through and just get those feelings out. A mentor, a therapist, a parent, whoever. Someone who has been there with you and you can trust. And if you don’t have anyone you feel really gets it then send me a message. I just spent my day off retyping this up so it’s safe to say I know how you’re feeling.

How To Make A Zookeeper Guilty: SICK DAY edition

How familiar are these scenarios:

You get home after a long day of work, exhausted.  Maybe a little more exhausted than normal, but you just brush it off.  But as the evening hours pass, you feel worse.  Not even binge-watching Netflix can help you ignore your uncontrollable shivering with crippling body aches and a feeling like, "Yup, I'm going to die today."

Nailed it.

Or:

You are ripped from a peaceful sleep by a stabbing pain, rhythmically  pulsating in your stomach.  And then, through sheer involuntary muscular power, thanks to some invisible little organism having a great old time, your body and everything you've eaten in the last 24 hours experiences an exodus of biblical proportions through all available exits.

Like that scene in Problem Child 2 with the puke tubes coming out of everybody

I'm sure most of us (unfortunately) have been quite sick before, probably with at least one of the above-listed ailments.  I know I sure have and you can read all about it in its painful hilarity here.

For most hard-working people, getting sick is one of the deeply troubling Internal Philosophical Arguments (IPAs as referenced herein*).  Especially if you're an animal trainer or caretaker, you've got a long mental fight ahead of you the moment you realize you're not feeling so well.

I was inspired to write about this topic because it popped up on the Zookreeper Facebook page the other day.  It's comforting to know that the collective zoo and aquarium field experiences the same wrenching guilt that I (and I'm sure many of you) feel when I get sick and realize it's one of those things I need to call out for.  But WHY?  What is the source of our guilt.  Why do we begin the IPA discussion in our minds when we contemplate using a sick day at our jobs?

Look, if Viggo was in my house on a work day, I'd call in lovesick.

Well first off, it's not like we all work at large facilities with massive staffs.  Maybe some of us do, but many of us don't.  Many of us work on a team just large enough to manage through a day; one person's unscheduled loss is definitely felt.  The first feeling of sorrow stems from the worry that People Will Be Mad that they have to do YOUR workload in addition to theirs.

Secondly, we are a driven bunch of people. Animal trainers and caretakers work their butts off to put 145% of themselves into all aspects of care for their animals (well, at least us good ones do!).  We worked very hard to get the job we have, and we take it very seriously.  The lives of animals we love fiercely depend on us doing our job very well each and every day.  We don't cut corners**.   So when we're sick, we think, "Hey, I'll just tough it out.  Feverish hallucinations never killed anybody!"***

"Yeah, I'll just tough this out."

Thirdly, and please don't get too worked up over this, some of us may not have very understanding management.  There are some work cultures in our field (and in others) that are not very compassionate towards individual employees when it comes to the "inconvenience" of sick days.  Let's face it, even if you have a great boss, it's still scary to call out.  What if they think you're lying? What if they are really secretly mad and it shows up on your next annual review?  What if they set you back on your goals?  WHAT IF IT GOES ON THAT PERMANENT RECORD OF LIFE AND OH GOD I WILL NEVER GET A JOB ANYWHERE ELSE AND I'LL WIND UP LIVING IN MY CAR WITH SEVEN CATS?  

But look how happy she is!

But seriously, the Will Boss Get Mad concept is a major player in the IPA of calling in sick for a zookeeper.  It is made exponentially worse when you are not working for a very sensitive person.  Yet another reason to ignore those festering pustules and slog it out.

There are other reasons why people may feel guilty calling out sick, but those are the three big ones in my experience.  So what's the point?  What are you supposed to do when you really do need to take a sick day?

You guys, and this is the greatest hypocrisy of our amazing field: Treat yourself like you'd treat the animals in your care.  We do AMAZING things for the critters we get to see and love every day.  If you're a trainer, what kind of operant conditioning do you use?  Positive reinforcement.  If one of the animals gets injured or falls ill, what do you do? You and your veterinary staff take care of them. You put all of your effort into ensuring a thorough and speedy recovery.   If they are involved in any kind of show, presentation or public appearance, you let them set the pace of what they want to do (and that might mean they don't do any of those things). 

You take care of me! :D

Why do we not treat ourselves (and for other supervisors and managers out there, our subordinate staff) as compassionately as we treat the animals?  I'm not sure.  It's a complicated topic (it's an IPA after all).  We can't be responsible for treating illness in our employees, d'uh.  That's their job.  But we can certainly make it easier and less stressful for the people on our teams to make smarter decisions about their own health.  Because remember, we work with some extremely dedicated, hard-working and trustworthy people (if they AREN'T that, why are they on your team?).  Here's a fact: us dedicated, hard-working and trustworthy people sometimes make really bad decisions about our own health because we'd rather take care of sea lions than sit on a couch eating toast and ginger ale.

Except toast with peanut butter.  I'll eat that all day anywhere, anytime.

I'm writing about this topic like I've somehow mastered or eradicated the guilt I feel anytime I call out sick.  Ha! Not a chance.  I don't necessarily think it's possible for me to really get rid of it.  Chances are, that's the same situation with you.  We are wired that way.  But I have come up with a system that works for me to help me determine when it's a good time to take a sick day with minimal guilt, including WHY it's important.  

This isn't medical advice. This is my system; if you like it, awesome!! But remember, when you're sick, call a health care provider and get the scoop. 

My PERSONAL Middle Flipper IPA Guide To Less-Guilty Sick Days

I STAY HOME if I:


1) Have a fever

Aye aye, captain!

2) If my G.I. system is doing things that defy the laws of physics

However, cats defy the laws of physics all the time.  If your cat defies the laws of physics, you can't call out sick.

3) Have gotten absolutely no sleep due to nasty illness symptoms

*insert maniacal, cackling laughter here*

4) Have anything contagious, even if I'm are capable of working (you know, like pink eye.  Ew)

Oh, well-played Picard.  Stupidity doesn't count.  

5) Have a doctor's note.  I actually have to follow their advice (what, are they doctors or something?)

A doctor's note = Pendant of Life from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Again, this is not an exhaustive list.  It's your choice when it's time to stay home. As long as you are not being dishonest and/or abusing the system, it is totally your decision.  In the U.S. it's your right as an employee!

The Philosophy

1) Having a contagious illness is the worst thing you can bring to a workplace.  Think it's hard missing one person on a team?  Try three.  Or Five.  Because they're all puking their guts out, or seeing dinosaur unicorns in a feverish haze.   Can't see the dinocorns? Oh, that's probably because your eyes are sealed shut with pink eye mucus.  STAY HOME AND HEAL YOURSELF! I don't want none of that #*%&!

I HAVE FELT THIS WAY MANY A TIME

2) You are not operating at full capacity, or even 50% capacity, when you have a knockout sickness or  injury that prevents you from doing your job.  Okay, a little head cold or something may be something we can suck it up and work through without a problem.  But the flu?  Bronchitis?  Something that really makes you sick sick sick, you're worthless at work.  

Bahaha oh Mitch, your life perspective refreshes me.

3) Take care of yourself.  You do it for the animals, why not for yourself?  Taking one sick day to recover and get back on your feet is better than pushing yourself and winding up with a doctor's note mandating you are on bed rest for five days.  I've seen that happen with people a number of times; it could've been prevented had they just been a little nicer to themselves in the beginning.   

Take care of yourself so you can take the best care of me!! 

4) Your team is going to be just fine.  That's what your team is there for; to support one another.  You do it for your coworkers, and they'll do it for you.  Personally, the ONLY time I've been frustrated in that setting is when I know the person who called out sick was not actually sick (they told me they were going to play hooky) and it was on a super busy day.  But even on the days when we're busy, short-staffed, and it's one of those Hey Let's Invite Murphy To Work Today, You Know The Guy Who Made Up That Law? days, I am never irritated or frustrated with someone who calls out sick.  So what, maybe I work a little harder that day.  Usually that translates to more animal time for me anyway!

More time with these faces?? Yes please!!!!!

5) If you're someone who abuses the system, STOP IT.  You're making it crappy for the rest of us.  Seriously.

BOO!

And for those of us in a supervisory position where we field the sick calls, it's a good for us to remind ourselves how scary it is to call in.  That the vast majority of our team members are honest adults with a driving passion to do the best in their job every day.  That they put the animals and their team first; so calling in sick is the last thing they want to do.  Instead of answering their sick calls with an irritated tone, or trying to bargain with them to come in (or worse, guilting them in), let's show them the same exact compassion we show for the animals in our care.

This is a larger topic I'll admit, but if you are concerned as a manager that your staff cannot maturely handle the sick day policy, you have a much, much bigger issue.  Trust your staff, make your policy clear and fair and stick with it.  If I am concerned that a particular individual is not being honest, then I deal with that person as his or her own entity...not the entire team (the same way we'd work through illness or injury in our animal families)!

So let's all take a deep, refreshing breath.  Sick happens.  And when it does, it's okay to call out if you feel that's the best thing.  That surge of guilt will pass when you realize you're not only doing what's best for you, but for your team (both humans and non-humans).  It's okay!!!

Dogters.  Haha, get it?

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* IPAs as defined by this blog may be improved or worsened by drinking the beer IPAs: user discretion is advised

** If you do, get another job!

*** They have.