Sunday, July 10, 2016

Humans Suck, Let's Become Something Else

Okay people, what is going on.

Is this real life?

Humans kill other humans, I know that.  I know that's happened for tens of thousands of years.  But the thing is, it's depressing.  Unnecessary.  Cruel.  No matter how much "smarter" we get as a species, we still kill for the same stupid reasons that have nothing to do with self-defense.  What is the solution to this problem?

I've heard a lot of people say that humans are the "only" animals who kill for reasons unrelated to their survival.  Well, that's not really true.  We know that animal species who are pretty much ballers in their ecosystem have their own group of Giant Buttheads (herein referred to as: GBs).  GBs murder or harm others just cuz.   Populations of bottlenose dolphin kill harbor porpoises and Atlantic spotted dolphins with no discernible "reason".  Scientists call this surplus killing, and it's been documented in zooplankton, wolves, lions, hyenas, raccoons, house cats. 


So we're basically all guilty of harboring GBs among our respective species.  Most of us are pretty cool, and that made me realize that hey, you know what?  Even though there is no perfectly peaceful animal species out there, I'm sure there are some that are better than others. 

I've decided to use my Extremely Scientific Brain to come up with a Highly Scientific Test to assess which species of animals humans out to emulate in order to significantly reduce our murderous tendencies and just like, be chill.   Here we go.

The scale is as such: 1 (least) and 10 (most).  At the end, I total up the ratings given, ADD the number of beneficial qualities and SUBTRACT the unfortunate qualities.  When all is said and done, the animal with the HIGHEST score is the winner. 

Bottlenose Dolphin

Let's turn into dolp- OH MY GOD WHAT
Level of Chillness: 6
Level of Intelligence: 10
Level of Cuteness: 10

Beneficial Qualities: poop just goes away, gets to live in the ocean all the time, eats best quality sushi, understands how important family is, generally empathetic to the needs of others (+5)

Unfortunate Qualities: doesn't sleep for more than a few minutes at a time, capable of killing adorable animals for no reason, no thumbs ( - 3)

Total: 28

California Sea Lion

Gerald got no problems

Level of Chillness: 10
Level of Intelligence: 10
Level of Cuteness: 10

Beneficial Qualities: takes lots of naps, super playful and graceful in water, very adept on land, vibrissae are awesome, get to swim with dolphins and whales, get to jump off of really high rocks, has the best dry fur, eats sashimi all day, doesn't really care who sleeps on top of whom (+ 9)

Unfortunate Qualities: sleeps in own poop, babies are starving, gets cancer easily, gets eaten by sharks and orcas, sometimes you get yelled at by other sea lions (-5)

Total: 35

Yellow-Naped Amazon

*poops pants*
Level of Chillness: 1
Level of Intelligence: 10
Level of Cuteness:

Beneficial Qualities: super smart, gorgeous, long-lived, can fly, best diet ever, can poop anywhere and never have to deal with it ( + 6)

Unfortunate Qualities: has no problem biting, scared of everything, crops are weird, everything eats you, you can die just by being looked at wrong ( - 5)

Total: 22

Fire Ant


Level of aggression: 60
Level of intelligence: 1
Level of cuteness: - 87,000

Peaceful Qualities: lives in a feminist colony (+1)

Unfortunate Qualities: stings anything within 10 miles of nest, no friends, will not make friends with other fire ants from other colonies, always waging war, stings (-5)

Total: - 86,430

African Penguin

We'd look good as penguins

Level of chillness: 5
Level of intelligence: 9
Level of cuteness: 10

Beneficial Qualities: pair bonds are strong, cares very much for young, known to adopt orphaned chicks, swims really well, adorable, lives in large colonies, feet make a cool fwap fwap fwap sound (+ 7)

Unfortunate Qualities: vile poop, poop that gets all over feet and butt, molting, beaks that shred flesh, can be very aggressive with other birds, jealous, gets eaten by everything ( -7)

Total: 24


Near, far, wherever you are....

Level of chillness: 2
Level of intelligence: 9
Level of cuteness: 10

Beneficial Qualities: gets to live in trees, eats delicious foods, celebrities spontaneously cry just by looking at you (+3)

Unfortunate Qualities: relatively solo critters, can be extremely aggressive, you have to do a lot of traveling just to poop, your habitat is disappearing at an alarming rate (-4)

Total: 21

WINNER: California Sea Lion (34 points)

Let the transformation begin!

That's it.  Let's all be like sea lions.  Yeah, we will be covered in our own poop.  Yeah, the males of our species will spend about a month talking really loudly while they try to lure the ladies*.  Maybe there will be a little fighting.  But for the most part, we'll just find some kick ass waterfront property and take long, luxurious naps all over each other.

We get really neat flippers that make us do the coolest things ever in the water, and we can just hang out with a humpback whale if we really want. 

We'll hunt together, nap together, raise our pups together, AND have the best view.  AND we are all adorable.  No killing, no over-the-top fighting, just a bunch of sea blobs loving life together (except when sharks are trying to eat you, but nothing in life is perfect). 

I'm definitely open to putting other animal species through the rigorous test I've devised here, so feel free to expand our search.  Because I'm just about done with being a human being!  At least until we all decide to be good to one another. 

* But if you went to college, you have already experienced this

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