Who I'm Voting For

So now that I have your attention....

Oh, you've got it.

There is a lot of hullabaloo around U.S. presidential candidate-hopefuls.  Those of us who are following this topic probably have some strong opinions not only about the individuals involved, but about the type of person we want as our Commander in Chief. 

The only political statement I'll make right now about the front-runners is that it really sucks that we are so focused on only one species.  Look, I get it.  We are humans living in the U.S., so it stands to reason we'd want another human at the helm of our executive branch.  But isn't this the blind leading the blind?  Shouldn't humans be recused as president (and possibly other major political positions) due to a conflict of interest?  Being human leading a bunch of humans has done some good things, but it's also done a WHOLE lot of bad things.

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, PEOPLE! For the aliens!!!!!!!

Therefore, I submit to the great nation of the United States of America that we look into other qualified candidates who are not Homo sapiens.  I've been thinking a lot about who I'd vote for if this was the case, or what the prerequisites ought to be.  This is a work in progress, so the following lists are not exhaustive.  

Prerequisites

1) Works for human well-being, not for own career goals

2) Genuinely accepts others regardless of other prejudicial factors*

3) Interacts well with other human world leaders

4) No hibernation/brumation, since that could definitely be problematic if the country faces a crisis when it's cold in D.C., or may require travel to colder areas

5) Does not poop on the Oval Office carpet regularly


Based on that wish list, here's what I'm thinking about potential species:

Animals Who Definitely Should Not Be President

Sorry slugs, you'll just get walked on.

*   Fire ants
*   Reptiles
*   Pac-man frogs
*   Banana slugs**
*   Penguins
*   Donald Trump

Animals Who Could Be President

You grump!

*   Any ape species (may still have conflict of interest due to the genetic relationship)
*   Cockatoos (the well-mannered ones)
*   Canids (loyalty can be a good or bad thing)
*   Felids  (aloofness can be a good or bad thing)






Animals Who Really Freakin' Should Be President

You know I'm right.

*   Dolphins
*   Sea Lions
*   Otters

Okay I'm really sorry if I've left out any animals, or placed one in a category you disagree with.  But this is just my opinion.  Now let's move on.

Why would dolphins, sea lions, and otters make great presidential candidates?  Read on.

Dolphins

How polite!

Campaign Motto: "It doesn't matter if you don't like me, but we need each other to stuff our faces."

Pro: Dolphins cooperate with one another when the time is right.  They may not be best friends, they may not even know each other, but when there's a giant bait ball ripe for the taking, they know they need as many dolphin pals as possible if they want to feast.  They are complex social animals and have a strong family connection that varies between species.  Nonetheless, relationships are important to them.

President Dolphin could also stun enemies of state with their echolocation.

Con: The White House will have to be completely refurbished to suit their aquatic needs; also, a lot of politicians would need to seriously improve their swimming skills.
Sea Lions

Transcending the species line

Campaign motto:  "It doesn't matter what species you are, we can still be friends.  Unless you want to eat me."

Pro: California sea lions spend time hanging out with other species, and not just pinnipeds.  They'll hunt, play, and travel with various species of dolphins.  They can sleep on top of an animal who just seconds previously yelled at them.  But they know how to make the best of whatever situation, and I think that is a critical leadership quality.

I don't think Cali sea lions could be prejudiced if they tried, which we can all agree is necessary for president (or for being a good person).  However, if you try to eat them, they'll react accordingly.

Con: Aside from leaving poo and oil stains in the Oval Office, sea lions are not necessarily the best with women's rights.  We would definitely need to elect a female sea lion to office.


Otters

That's what every candidate says!

Campaign motto: "Everything is great, everything is fine, wait what aRE YOU DOING YOU CAN'T DO THAT I WILL PUNISH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

Pro: Otters are very intelligent, they can do amazing stuff with their hands and they are constantly looking to do something.  Their adorable good looks are disarming and may assist in foreign relations; how can anyone be intimidated by an otter face? Dictators will giggle, find their humanity, and free their people.  And if they don't, if they even break the slightest rule in a treaty or whatever, the otters will do what they do when some unwritten law has been transgressed: they will tear them up with their little demon mouths.

Con: Poop in the White House (although it'll only happen in one corner).  Also, President Otter's meetings can only last 3 minutes max.

I'm not totally sure who I would vote for; they each have such great qualities.  I suppose when it comes down to it, I'd probably vote for sea lions. Call me a hippie, but I'm a big fan of everyone getting along...or at least not holding grudges if you don't get along.  It's okay if you're not a sea lion, we can still respect each other and be friends.  Madam Sea Lion, you have my vote!


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* Unless that "other" is trying to eat you

** Additionally, they look horrendous in business attire